Resolution

I guess I have to begin this entry with a little story... I’ve been dating since I was 15 y/o (and mind you, I've had a fake ID since I was 15 too)... So, I wasn’t just meeting retarded high school boys... Even though I’d go out on dates, I never held hands with any of them... or kissed any of them... or had sex or anything... because I was saving all of myself for Mr. Right... this guy I dreamt about who was everything I ever wanted in a man... clever, funny, sweet, sexy, fit, the list goes on and on... and on, even ;) Well, when I was 17 y/o, I thought I had found him... Mr. Right... he was 17 y/o too... he matched my “qualifications” perfectly! Over time, this was the boy who I first held hands with... who I first kissed... and who I lost my virginity to. It was wonderful! He took me to Homecoming... we paged love notes to each other endlessly (because that was back in the day of pagers)... it was like it was out of a movie... the only problem was that we lived 3 hours away from each other... I lived in San Diego and he lived in Pasadena... Sadly, he ended up cheating on me... and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces :( I never got over that... that he cheated on me and I gave all my firsts to him instead of someone who would have treated me better... and over time, I realized our “relationship” was entirely sexual, save going out to eat or watching movies (which we never got through because we’d be having sex half way through) So, for years, I dealt with the fact that not only was I a bad judge of character (having given myself up to someone like him) but I was also an idiot because there was never any real basis for having the feelings I had for him in the first place! In fact, I don’t think we ever just laid in bed and not had sex! Maybe I’m wrong in this... but I really do blame him for taking my innocence... he never had to cheat on me or lie to me and tell me he loved me when he didn’t... I always just wished that he could have just respected me and either told me the truth of his intentions or left me alone in the first place... For a long time, it was the biggest mistake of my life and every other b/f I’ve had had to deal with his crimes... I even lost hope that I could ever be happy again :(

Which brings us to tonite... the same guy came over tonite to pick me up and take me out to dinner and a movie in celebration of my Bday (which is on Sunday)... We ended up going to a sushi bar (reminiscent of our very first date) and we talked all about our plans for the future and how we’ve changed and who we are now and just everything! I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher! After dinner, we drove to the movie theater, but the movie we were going to see was all sold out :( So, he’s just like... “Let’s go back to your place and figure something out... maybe we can rent a movie or something”

So, we get back to my place and we both just sit on the couch and start talking... and then we start talking about the past... and I’m just telling him how I’ve felt ever since high school... how I never got over it... how I just now got back the ability to be innocent and open because of Chris... and he’s just like, “What happened between us is seriously one of the 3 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life” to which I respond, “Choosing you to be my first was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but I never wanted to be wrong about you... I never wanted to admit to myself that you were inherently a bad person but simply that things didn’t work out between us... I’ve always wanted to think of you as a good person... someone I could have been proud to be with... because then I wouldn’t feel like I was such a bad judge of character” and then he’s like, “Quyen, I’m so lucky and appreciative that even though I did the things I did to you, you have it in your heart to forgive me and be my good friend. That means so much to me” and I’m like, “You'll always have a place in my heart... even if you did do the things you did to me... There was a time when I just wanted to go to LA and slash your tires... but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy”

Then, we started talking about why things didn’t work out and how we were 3 hours away and we didn’t have the freedom or the means to have anything truly meaningful when we were both in high school... and how we didn’t have a fighting chance etc etc...

Then we’re sitting there and he’s just like, “I don’t think it’s wise if we see each other ever again” and I’m like “Why???” and he says, “Honestly, since we started talking again, I’ve gotten to know who Quyen really is and I think I’m falling in love with that person... and if I kept on seeing you, I know I would fall for you completely... and I would die inside knowing that I’m so in love with you and couldn’t do anything about it... I definitely feel you have a future with Chris, and I don't want to impede that because you being happy is way more important than whatever happens with us”

So, he got up and went to the door and turned around and asked me for one last hug... So, we hugged and for the first time ever, I had resolution... I could finally put away the ghost of the less than perfect relationship we had behind us... I finally felt like I could have been something to him... more than just some girl he fucked in high school... but someone he could have really fallen in love with... and for me, someone who I could have been happy having as my first... instead of the one thing I’ve regretted for years...

And I was happy... happy to know I wasn’t wrong about him... that in a different time and a different place... we could have been happy together... he could have been Mr. Right... happy to know I wasn’t a bad judge of character... and in a way, happy to know that, in an alternate reality, I could’ve been happy with my first... Now, I can remember him the way I should have all these years...

At long last... peace.

Epiphany

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that there will always be a place in your heart for those people whom you've loved in the past. One of my ex b/fs was in a really bad car accident yesterday and I went to see him. I'm not sure what possessed me to drop everything and go... but I did... I'd like to think it was because he still had a place in my heart and me in his... that maybe if I were in an accident, he'd drop everything and rush to my bedside too. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already in intensive care. From what I heard, he was driving around 90 on the freeway, someone cut him off, he lost control and his truck toppled over. Thankfully, his daughter wasn't in the passenger seat... I'd just die if I had to see her in a bed next to him.

All of us were there... people I remember from when we were together and others I didn't know... but we were all there because we loved him... and even though we each had different stories to tell and different memories to recollect, there was an understanding that connected us all.

I had a lot of time to think because I stayed at the hospital from 7pm to 7am. He'll probably wake up and worry about his car and where he's gonna find money to pay for the hospital bills... but, to me, that's not what really matters. What really matters isn't the fact that his truck got totalled or that he'll be unable to work and make money for weeks to come... what matters is that he's alive... and that he still has the opportunity to help and love those around him. What matters is whether or not there will be enough love around him to help him recover because we won't be remembered for the trust funds we leave behind but the memories and love that we've shared with others. I know I'll always remember the time I shared with him.

It scared me. Even though I wasn't with him or loved him in the way that I used to, I was scared... scared for his daughter, and others that depended on him in their own lives... It scared me because I had empathy for them... for if the person who was most important to me in my life were torn away from me... well, let's just say I cried alot... and, selfishly, not for my ex or his loved ones.

Chris is the world to me. I kept thinking... what if? What if it's not even an accident? What if he just leaves? What if I, too, never get a chance to show him what he means to me? What if? What if... I kept thinking about the past week... what we've uncovered... what I've learned... and a deep sense of regret swelled up inside of me... Above all, I wanted him to know for himself that the time he's spent with me was worth every second...

every...

second...

Lady Be Good

The walls came down last nite and I admitted a lot of things to myself, including the logic that underwrote why I'm "never happy" and "always finding the faults in our relationship". I've always known how I acted when it came to things like this... However, I never analyzed it in the terms of if it's really conducive to a good relationship or not... I always tried to work out the kinks in the relationship because I knew that if we could solve problems when they first occurred, or even pre-emptively, then we would have nothing to worry about when those things came up in the future... The thing I didn't realize was that when the "problems" had come to a conclusion that I deemed "successful", I never paid it any congratulations... To me, it was just another thing I didn't have to worry about... another thing to add to my relationship dossier and nothing more. This was not the way to pursue a "happy relationship" because, by definition, the word happy denotes that it should be enjoyable and pleasing... and it seems to make sense that always working to eradicate the bad was not as pleasurable as revelling in what was good about the relationship bond. You know, last nite, I forced myself to go through all the good thoughts that crossed my mind randomly during the week and list them right down the line... and I cried... because all this time I spent fighting and being disagreeable to further an unrighteous goal could have been better spent sifting over all the good points (points that were superior to others' relationships) and most importantly, just enjoying each other for what we have... I cried because I realized how wonderful our relationship really is... and I felt guilty for slowly and methodically destroying what we had strived to work for... He couldn't tell me how he felt anymore because he didn't trust that I'd listen or react kindly, he always felt like I thought the relationship was always dying because I always concentrated on the worst traits, and he felt like I wasn't willing to fight and help him during the hard times of the relationship... I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything I could to make sure he feels that he can always voice his opinions and thoughts without fear of me threatening the relationship, that I'd make sure that both he and I knew how I felt about the positive aspects of the relationship and there was no question that I did or did not enjoy being a part of that, and, above all, that he knows that I care about this relationship and am invested in it 100% because, truly, what we have is the most solid and wonderful thing in my life and I'd never let that go without a fight.

The Past

It's interesting... Chris and I went through a bunch of IM convos we had early on when we first were getting to know each other and other times when we were fighting, etc... I had to take a step back... saying or thinking the same things aren't so novel anymore like they once were... We know each other a lot better now... We don't even have to guess... it's just a result of a lot of the work we put into the relationship... But now... I read these things... and I see how I acted... knowing what I know now... knowing that I'd put his hapiness before the relationship... I was so SELFISH! :( For the first time, I truly saw what had been plaguing him all these months... I thought I knew... but I didn't... I didn't know at all... I was so stupid to think that he could "just get over it"

All the things I used to say to defend myself are moot... How can I have been so ignorant to think that the excuses I gave really justified my behavior? I really am ashamed of myself... Not only did I see a raw, objective retelling of the situation... but I also saw this entirely different person... someone who put her needs and her desires before the person she supposedly loved... How can I defend that?!?

All this time, I didn't truly know what I had said and done... my recollection of the events were always marred by my current feelings at the time... even up until today... I feel so fake and superficial... like nothing I've said to him when we were first getting to know each other was really with him in mind... I was so busy taking care of myself that it seems like I couldn't have possibly been interested in his thoughts and feelings... and yet, I want to tell myself that he's meant so much to me even since the beginning... but with proof like IM transcripts... how can I? :(

Class Schedule or Daunting Task?

Hi everyone! I'm standing here typing on a CSU-Pomona computer waiting for Chris to get off work... He's sick. So, last nite I came over to try to take care of him when I actually just succeeded in keeping him up :P Bad me... Anyway, I've been trying to plan my class schedule for the next 3 semesters... Only 46 units to graduate... Yay :) That's like 15 units per semester... With part-time jobs and work-study, that will be a challenging, yet manageable, schedule :)

So, here's where the hard part comes in... I'm inspired to take some classes in subjects I don't know or really suck at... Science is something I REALLY suck at... and I was thinking, "Gee, what if my kid has science homework one day and I'm totally useless in being able to help him?" I'd be like all the other clueless moms across the country! The ones that never went to college, blah, blah, blah... So, shuddering, I make a vow to learn at least a little about the stuff I'm totally clueless in... Now, which science to choose? God, I hate all of them!

Biology? Physics? Chemistry? It all rushes past me in this blur of late nite frustration, broken test tubes, and of course, the science fair project gone awry... But here's the cincher... I need to take at least one upper-division science class! Great! Not only do I suck... but I'll be writing a 2,500 word paper on how much I really suck... At least I can write :P

But the worst part has to be where I ask which classes to take and Chris comes back with, "Well babe, I'm not saying ur not intelligent enough... but you just may not have enough to pull an upper-division science class off... I mean, even science majors try to avoid taking upper-division science courses... and Lit. majors? They know not to do it... That's like asking to fail" Okay. Now, I understand the whole Quyen sucks at science deal... and I understand it's upper-division for a reason... but c'mon... give me some credit... if not for my masterful command of the sciences (Ha! I made a pun!) then at least for my persevering nature! Wait... what persevering nature is that??? Great! I'm fucked...

Frustration in Teacher-landia Dos

Today proved to be more of the same, from 9 in the morning to lunch time. Teachers again, stood before the faculty explaining their projects, philosophies and grading procedures, but rather than taking a critical perspective and owning up to the weaknesses, which everyone already sees, in their work, they took a defensive stance and did not allow for examination of issues central to the direction the school is headed.

However, the principal managed to put into play an idea she had been tossing around, and thus salvaged, at least to some extent, the morning. She and her vice-principal read through all the evaluations and converns that had been brought up in writing the past few days. They then posted a series of large white posters along the walls of the hallway adjacent to us. On each poster was written one of the major issues, and people could write down what they thought was and wasn't working within each area. This gave the more reserved, or disrespected among the faculty to have their voice heard without having to defend themselves against the vitriole of the more vocal, or "experienced" teachers.

Allow me to clarify. There is a perception on our campus that those who are either older, or have more years of experience working on our site, have more important things to say than the rest of us. So bad was this, that someone had the audacity to say they found it disrespectful and ignorant of "new" teachers to make any comments contrary to that of the "experienced" personel. I, finally having had enough, and dealing with a fever of around 102, told them their opinions were a most gross form of elitism and ageism, and that they must learn to process the reality that old does not necessarily mean smarter; if anything, they refuse to adopt change and cling to practices which, I found today, have been invalidated all across California.

So heated did things become when the "oldtimers" read the concerns of the staff, that they started a debate, which degenerated into an argument, in the hallway, while college classes were taking place. No one had the sense of mind, or courage, to express themselves and refute what was said. Dismayed, I walked over and took up the cause, enraging the twefth grade math teacher. His arguments are as follows: 1) He would rather cater to the average student than meet the needs of a small population (the low and high-skilled achievers), 2) His math program works even though students are not succeeding at the college level, 3) He's worked seven years on this math program so he must be close to something, 4) He doesn't want to waste the effort he put into the previous seven years, and 5) It's "apparently" impossible to teach Algebra to ninth graders, or Geometry and so on up the grade level ladder.

My answer to this is that: 1) A school must meet the needs of all students, 2) A program which does not equip students to succeed at the college level is not one that "works" 3) Spending more time on something does not necessarily guarantee success. Isaac Newton never uncovered the secrets to alchemy, and, if I, and several other teachers across California, were to attempt to construct a car from cotton candy and Kit-Kats and failed to achieve our goals after seven years, something should tell us that the plan is inherently flawed. 4) Putting forth no effort to change things for the better is the calling card of the boring and ineffective teachers who make school a chore for children. 5) It most definitely is possible to teach a different level of math each year; it's been done in schools across the country. I don't understand where the impossibility comes in teaching Algebra or Geometry to freshmen when the current program aims to teach them pieces of every math sub-category. How is it that teaching less material in an in-depth way is considered worse than superficially exposing students to each type of math? A system in which you have to review the same material year after year because the superficiality and lack of connection to any discipline makes it so that students can not retain information.

Peace :P I'll write about something more positive in the coming days, and hopefully shake off this fever that makes me not want to deal with systemic abuses anymore.

Book-A-Minute Classics: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

This is the funniest thing I've seen today... Enjoy! ;)

Stream

Hey there... I'm feeling kind of down tonite, and so, I wanted to talk to you... lately, I've been feeling bored... and a little listless... and I dunno if this is because the endorphin rush from my chriopractic adjustment is wearing off and now I'm experiencing "chiro-hangover" or if this is just kind of like me realizing stuff that's going on that I haven't noticed until just now, but there's this shroud of hopelessness obstructing my view... making everything gray and lifeless...

Color has always meant something to me... somehow, color tells its own story... Messaien certainly believed this... that color has personality... if I had a color right now... it would be a purple lavender that was run down by a sweeping steel gray and still carries remnants of it, scars from the battle... the color that the spirit of burnt grass carries when the roots are dead... the color that shines off the garbage can where a mother throws away her baby... hope for the world, cast aside... the very foundations of love, gone... like a storm riding across a violet field... a vision of sanctity on the back of chaos...

You never know what to do... sometimes, it feels like there is nothing you can do... to help others... to, in turn, help yourself... don't you know your heart always holds a place for everything you've loved? Yet, things come and go with the passage of light and dark, happiness and sorrow... and you will find new avenues... but will you forget the ones you used to live on? The ones that, too, took care of you when you were layed down and everything was purple too?

And really, what is the goal of the fly that lives and dies an existence in one day? If you lock it in a jar or a room, and it can't get out... what then? Is it destined to hit the jar forever until it dies? To try in vain to free itself? Or does the fly accept that purple sky into his veins? Does it become his story? Can he see that he has fallen from the top of the mountains? Or, being at the bottom, does he see only upwards?

I think so... I think that this purple-gray we all encounter in our lives... the kind that makes us cry... the kind of color that makes us want to stream breathless sobs... buries itself in time... if we look back... all we can see is the toll taken... all that lies in the field is fallen and broken... but... if we look foward... to see what happens after the storm... to see what can be, now... we are like the fly who tries to break out of that jar... with success on his mind and the sheer fragrance of damage in his wake...

So, I feel better... knowing that, like religion and hate, hopelessness can, too, be harnessed... whether our husband beats us, our g/f cheated on us, our child is missing, or we're just unsure about what we're all about... we don't have to let it get the best of us... we can look up, not down, ahead, not backwards, feel, not inhibit, and take in, not push out...

Chiropractor's Big Day :)

You know how people are always saying to be careful about meeting people from online? Well, that's exactly where I met my chiropractor! I found him in a chatroom this morning and made an appointment with him for later in the day... Now, some might be saying, "Wow, isn't that kinda dangerous? Meeting random strangers off the net?" Yes. Yes, it is... but what the hey... after all, I'd never been to a chiropractor, and I knew I had some occupational back problems... but the real cincher had to be the free consultation offer (cuz I'm poor :P) ;) Anyway, I got there, filled out some paperwork, and then waited in the waiting room until this nice-looking man popped through the door and said, "Quyen?"

He took me in a room, explained to me what we'd be doing and asked me some questions... Then, he checked my spine for any inconsistencies and declared that I had scoliosis (which I thought I had anyway) However, it was caused by inconsistencies in my musculature, not genetics :( He said it was minor though. So, I really don't have to worry about it too much :) I also learned that my lower back problems are from sitting in chairs when playing viola and not anything else because I have "beautiful posture" ;) So, I'll have to look out for that...

He asked me to take my shirt off but keep my bra on and put a gown on ("open to the back" - a big difference from my "open to the front" boob job consultations haha :P)... Then, he asked me to lay down as he put towels over me and a giant heat pad to warm and relax my muscles... After a little while, he came back and started to work out the kinks and make my muscles give way, so the adjustment he would do later would be more effective... O-M-G! It felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good! I couldn't believe it! I just melted on the table as he worked all the tension out of my back and neck... My body was so sensitive! It was like a freaking orgasm! I was so surprised! But then again, maybe it's because I don't usually get to have my back and neck massaged :P

After that, he did my adjustment after agreeing with me that I truly was the most inflexible girl alive haha :P I felt great after that, and it was painless! In fact, it was the exact opposite of painless! It was euphoric ;) I walked out of there feeling so refreshed and... well, fresh! :) The whole visit was totally relaxed and completely professional, and now, I know a little bit more about my body! Plus, my body feels so great :D I am definitely going to visit him a couple times before my boob job, even if it's just for the sinful pleasure of being rubbed down and put in compromising positions! LOL :P

My First, I mean, Second Blog - Education

This is technically my first blog, although, as Quyen knows, I spent a few hours yesterday typing up what had been intended to be my take on Fairy Tale Day, as well as some background information on the wonderful woman Quyen is, things she seldom says out of some sense of humility. Unfortunately, my web browser crashed on me, and, to my chagrin, I lost all that I had worked towards. So, from now on, I write all blogs in Microsoft Word first and then transfer them over to the web. Also, I'd like to start fresh on giving an account of today, rather than rehashing what I had written yesterday. There's something about rewriting, and recreating lost ideas that always tends to lead to a deminished product.

I am a teacher by profession, a high school English teacher to be exact. However, I consider myself to be a jack of all trades, to varying extents of course. I have a long history playing with various bands, and have taken a diverse array of classes, from Classical/Ancient Literature, Advanced Calculus, and Molecular Biology, to Political Science, Third World Studies, and Organic Chemistry. To say that I remember the minutiae inherent for a complete understanding of each area would be to commit an egregious breach of truth. Instead, I can say that what I have gained from such an education is not status as an avowed expert, but different ways of understanding the world, multiple perspectives on how things operate - something akin to the model of a Renaissance Man.

The reason I take time to make this clear is because it provides a backdrop for the decisions and attitudes I have towards teaching - attitudes which are sometimes condemned by others in my profession, or English teachers themselves. To be honest, I never intended to become a teacher when I first attended UC Berkeley. My goal was, at the time, to learn as much as I could in the short time span of four years so that I could be comfortable pursuing any line of work. At one time, I entertained being a lawyer, an AirForce pilot, a surgeon, a detective (the kind that work within a police department, and an advertising agent (look at the movie, What Women Want).

Now that I have bored you, rather than wowed, I'll start off my blog. My high school is engaging in a professional development workshop for three weeks (one this week and the next, and the other the week before school starts back up again). The big difference here is that in this version of professional development, there is no development actually taking place. Our days are spent, from nine in the morning to 4 in the afternoon, as a staff, talking about the philosophy of the school, and bringing up issues that should be addressed to improve the quality of teaching.

Today was frustrating to say the least. I spent seven hours listening to people talk out of their proverbial asses about what they liked and didn't like about the school, without any suggestions being made as to how to remedy things, or without anyone being willing to do the work that it takes to effect change. As a staff, we all know that some of the projects we do (we are a project driven high school) need to be seriously revamped. I'm talking about eviscerating these projects and taking away from them the few positive aspects they still retain. These projects are not relevant to new generations of students, they don't take into account the skill levels of the type of students we have been admitting over the past three years, don't function well with current class sizes, are a hodgepodge of many small assignments, aren't engaging, and penalize bright students for desiring high marks.

Instead of taking a hard look at the projects, both their strengths and weaknesses, and focusing our time on improving them, we went through the motions of pretending to be on the path to change by talking about what our projects are, why they're so "amazing." The day became an exercise in defending practices that have already been shown to harbor weakness. Rather than focus on how to eliminate the weakness, people praised themselves and other staff members for what was good in the projects. Fake smiles, clapping, and defensive posturing as to the quality or validity of projects does nothing! The kids, the students, are still receiving the same level of education whether or not we play polite like guests at a dinner party. Mind you, our school had an API of 9 last year.

Perhaps, what bothers me most about this process is that people are unwilling to say what they truly think. While they talk big before school, during lunch, at the watercooler, when the future of the school is on the line, they keep quiet about the controversial issues, and allow for the loudmouths (who, in my opinion, are also the least intellectually adept) to make policy and bully their opinions into practice.

Furthermore, there is this perverse idea that what people says matters only so far as the number of years they have been working at the school-site. Or, it matters only as much as they look old. Let me say that as a twenty-four year old teacher, I still look like many of the students, and that I have only been working for a year and a half. You can gather how much weight my words have on that campus. Nevermind the fact that many of them barely made it through high school and college; nevermind that many of them are still remembered as the worst students to go through teacher credentialing programs, or that the quality of these old-timers is so low that many faculty at our local university felt it to be disgraceful and beneath them. It wasn't until just recently that collaboration between the university and the high school became a possibility. What's worse is that these old-timers are proud of having been poor students, are proud of catering to the lowest achievers, and shortchanging those students who wish to excel.

I'll end this with what to me is one of the major issues that needs to be addressed, although I don't it will. The school has in place a math program called Core Plus. Theoretically, this is a wonderful program. It integrates math with real world situations, and makes use of word problems frequently. Various types of math are also integrated into the curriculum so that students in their first year might receive a bit of algebra, trigonometry, pre-calc, and statistics. There is no Algebra course, no Geometry course, and so on. Kids are placed in a mixed ability classroom, by grade level, in this program. Ideally, the bright kids, or rather those who have been empowered by teachers and parents, would raise the other children with them as they learn. I've seen this work in my own classroom, and in other schools so it's sound theory, even though research shows that high achievers fall three degrees of achievement when in mixed ability classrooms.

The problem at our school is that, with the reality of college admissions, AP, IB and Honors courses, and the competitive nature of the game education has become in the last few years, our math program is attracting very few high achievers. And with good reason. Students with a background in Geometry are not too enthused about being forced into Algebra review, for a year as their mixed ability's peers catch up. Even when we do attract high skilled students, we tend to lose them in the long-run, when they consider they are falling behind their college-bound friends at other schools. They also are not being challenged, and find themselves bored much of the time.

The exodus of bright students from our school leaves us with only the mediocre and those needing severe remediation. How then, can we pretend to give these students an education, their first year of high school, in algebra, geometry, trigonometry, and pre-calculus? We can't. And, while we should be strengthening the skills of the low-skilled students, through remediation, we aren't. We, instead are following the curriculum, which goes forward despite how many students fall behind. That's how we lose low-skilled students. School becomes a game of catch-up that they are never provided with the tools to succeed in. The school seems to think that remediation is a bad word, a dirty word. I'm here to say it isn't. Remediation is one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs a teacher can have - opening the doors to success for students who have, until recently, been unequipped to thrive in the school system. The problem is that schools routinely hand over remediation courses to the least-qualified teachers, as a punishment.

All I want is to create a situation in which the needs of both the low-skilled and high-skilled students is adequately met. Because, although our school has a selection process and can expel students at will, it is making it impossible for anyone who doesn't fit the definition of "average" to succeed. Then again, maybe I should buy into the unsaid culture of our country and accept that being different is to be wrong; different is something to be pushed to the fringes and forgotten about. And there's also the anti-intellectual strain of thought that runs rampant throughout our school systems and culture. We say we value education, but what we mean is that we value the opportunity to make money. We envy the rich, and the talented. "Nerds" are something to poke fun at and harass. Teachers are routinely referred to as "Those who can't, teach." And as degrading as that might seem, it's the sad truth when it comes to many teachers. Having been through a credentialing program, I can say that many of these people aren't "intellectuals," but the worst that our system has to offer - a people that proudly reiterate, from time to time, that they were awful students in school. If we truly valued education, we would make sure to put into place policies to ensure that inner-city children, as well as low-skilled children can succeed.

Inflation

So, I'm about to go teach lessons now, and as many of you know, I commute because I can't teach lessons in my apartment... stupid landlady >:( Anyway, with gas prices as they are and the rising cost of renting an apartment, I'm thinking of raising my rates. I was thinking that a $2 increase per 1/2 hour lesson along with a $3-5 commuting fee would be acceptable... or should I say it's just a flat $5 for commuting? Either way, I know the parents appreciate not having to drive to me because I could technically teach @ CSUN and it takes time out of their busy schedules. So, it's a convenience for me to drive to them... one that I would gladly pay $5 for if I were a parent! So, what do you all think? How should I pitch my new price increase to the parents? When should I increase my rates? (I was thinking September) Give me some feedback in the comments box! :)

Under New Management...

Hey all! I've decided to incorporate, and my boyfriend Chris will now be posting to this blog too! :) Let's give him all a warm SweetAsianRain.blogspot.com welcome! :D Feel free to take a look at his new profile and comment on all his hotness ;)

Fairytale

It's 7:05 pm on Friday nite. Mom and Lou still haven't showed up, and Chris and I are waiting outside the ticket booth for the cruise ship we all have reservations for... at $74 per person, I felt wearing my $306 BCBG skirt was in order (Let's just say I was in good company, what with limos escorting other couples to the cruise ship) ;) The sea air was so cold that when Mom brought us jackets, we were so happy that we didn't have to take shelter behind large buildings any longer! We boarded the boat with a nice picture of the 4 of us and a glass of champagne... The food was 5 stars and even I, with all my gourmet experience, could not place what ingredients they used (I really wish I could get my hands on their Potatoes au Gratin recipe and their chocolate ganache with raspberry truffle was to die for!) We took a nice walk on the top deck of the boat, looking over the water and hugging to keep warm... the waters of Downtown San Diego really are beautiful at nite... I just wish the skies were more clear and the moon was out.

The price of the cruise included a full hosted bar which I took full advantage of: Midori Sours, Mai Tais, margaritas, etc... I ended up getting a little tipsy and really felt the boat rocking haha :P It was nice getting to "double-date" with my mother... In addition to providing another opportunity for Chris to participate in a family dinner, I haven't had a chance to really talk to Lou, her fiance, and now that I see how they act around each other, I'm glad they're together :) After delightful conversation and exquisite food, it was time to just take it all in... Mom and Lou went out on the deck again while Chris and I headed to the dance floor to share a couple of slow dances and some not so slow dancing ;) Maybe I haven't forgotten how to seduce a man on the dancefloor after all :P The ship docks and we are escorted out with chocolate truffles in tow

When we get home, we change clothes and relax on the couch to watch about 4 episodes of Escaflowne (an anime we have been working on finishing) After that, it was time for bed... what followed was perfectly in line with what had come before it... Something magical happened... I don't know why it was that particular nite, as if all nites were just as wonderful, but it just seemed like everything was right... I even said it - "It's so perfect. I've never felt more right about anything in my entire life" to which he responded, "Everything about tonite is so beautiful that I could die tonite and I'd have not a single regret"

The Kama Sutra and other worldly advice

Wouldn't you know the Kama Sutra actually has some sage advice within its position-ridden pages? Apparently, the Kama Sutra, while condoning hundreds of sexual positions and abnormalities from scat-play to "fetch", advises against one thing... NEVER HAVE SEX IN A HOT TUB

Gee, I wish I knew about that before yesterday :\

I finally fucking conquered China

When you're happy and you know it, do NOT reach for a stick of butter

I think I'm getting used to this whole "eat healthy foods" campaign :) I have no problem eating salads and dried fruit versus cheese and protein burgers. I'm still maintaining my figure and I'm building muscle to boot from working out! (which Chris thinks is pretty hot :P) However, I do get really low on energy if I don't consume enough calories :( So, I'm up to 2 hours and 30 minutes between "snacks" now, and I've upped the calories per meal to 270... that way, if I keep increasing the time by 10 minutes and 10 calories more per "snack", I'll still maintain around 1500 calories per day when I reach 3 hour intervals. This must all sound so planned out and formulated - it is ;)

One thing I'm learning is that you can eat lots more food if you just eat greens and use a tiny bit of dressing and pull a "McSalad Shaker" to distribute the dressing well. Another way to make foods flavorful without fats is to use different spices and spreads like garlic salt and sour cream... Although, the sandwich I had last nite was grilled in butter... and it tasted soooooo good! :P But butter comes at a price - 2 grams of cellulite per pat... Have fun at the trampoline party! ;)

How much would that cost???

Congratulations to my mother! Last night, she was proposed to by her b/f who asked us less than a week ago if he could propose to her. To seal the deal? An 8.5 carat engagement ring! Yes, you heard right, folks! 8.5 carats! I mean... Good lord! How much would that cost??? More than $100K - easy... And I thought Jenni would be the one to get the largest engagement ring in this family! :P For shame, to be beaten by your own mother... better luck next time, Jenni ;)

Learnin' Miss Quyen...

That's right... I'm trying to educate my own ass about nutrition again... It's so hard to not instinctively reach for a stick of butter anymore! :P Ever since I've gotten off Atkins, I've been trying to eat right and exercise... and let me tell you, it's not easy! For the past 10 months, I've been eating like crap thanks to Atkins... and now, it's a real mental hurdle to not reach for a high-fat content snack like cheese or nuts.

I started a "food diary" today to track the stuff I'm eating - even water to track if I'm getting enough fluids in my body... and let me tell you... boy, have I been pee'ing a lot today! Whoo-weee! LOL Anyway, I'm trying to not only make healthier food choices but also trying to eat only when I'm hungry (a little less than 2 hours between 200 calorie snacks for me) It's made even harder since I was raised to eat everything off my plate and then have seconds or face dire consequences :( I'm like trained to overeat... it's kinda sad :(

Anyway, I'm going to train to have a hunger tolerance of 2 hours and 10 minutes between "snacks"... I'm starting small... while also keeping in mind that I need to eat more protein and less fat! Right now, my "diary" shows a current total of 5 cups of liquids, 76 grams of fat, 1,520 calories, 175 grams carbs, and 52 grams protein... So, I need to redistribute the carb grams to protein and watch my fat intake and keep that below my protein intake... After that, it's just a simple hour of working out... divided in 2 convenient 30 minute blocks for my DVD player ;)

Here comes the bride!

And no, it's not me :P On Wednesday, my mother's b/f, Lou, requested that each of the 3 daughters return home for a formal family dinner... (everytime this happens, I feel like we're in some kind of Tolkien fantasy world and each of us comes from a different land representing the strengths and flaws of different races. Yet, we come together from afar to meet for important occasions... This should give you an idea of how often my sisters and I get together :P) Anyway, we all had dinner together and towards the end of the evening, Lou tells us the reason he's called this meeting of the Justice League...

"I asked you 3 girls home... you 3 wonderful women... you 3 beautiful young women... (for some weird reason he kept calling us "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and stuff like that... go fig :P)... because your mother and I have been together awhile now and I care about her very much. I want to ask you for your permission to get engaged to your mother... and we haven't talked dates yet... but I want to take care of her and take her hand in holy matrimony... and I want to have your approval."

Awwwwwwwwwww :) So, each of the 3 weird sisters came up with an impromptu speech and we all accepted him into our family :) I'm really happy for my mom! After everything, she really deserves a man who will treat her with the love and respect she deserves :) So, last I heard, she's picking out a $6K engagement ring ;) Funny... since a recent survey of American women reveals that 58% would rather have an HDTV than a one carat diamond ring... of course... $6K isn't gonna JUST buy a one carat diamond ring, now is it? ;)

Atkins, grades, retarded wives, and more!!!

Hello! So, I got off Atkins! Yay! I got really sick after finals and just ate anything I could get my hands on (including pizzas and pasta) and decided, "Hey, this isn't so bad!" In fact, I kept losing weight after I got off Atkins! - I'm 126 lbs. now! Lucky me! :) And let me tell you, it feels GREAT to eat sushi again! :D Actually, I got off for another reason; Time magazine came out with a special report on obesity in America and one of the diets listed was Atkins. Well, it said that there is conclusive evidence that long-term Atkins adversely affects your colon and liver health! So, that's why I decided to quit :P

Remember how I told you my GPA this semester would be between 3.3 and 3.6? It's a 3.75! Theoretically an A- across the board! :) I was actually surprised that it was over my original estimate! :D My grades were actually all As and one B... looks like my creative writing teacher liked my work after all! Then again, how could she not? After all, my poetry has won international awards :P

As an add-on to my last post, I forgot to include the rest of the conversation between Chris and I! Basically, we talked about whether we would be together if he were retarded (to which I said yes)... but then I asked him if he'd still be with me if I were retarded... and here's the sweet part... I said, "What would you get out of being with me? I couldn't stimulate your mind or do anything with you... There would be no advantage to staying married to me!" and he said, "I'd want to make sure that my wife, the person I married out of love, would still be taken care of and safe." Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :) Then I asked him if he'd cheat on me if I were retarded and he's like "Gross! No way! How could I sleep with someone else and then come home to you? I just couldn't do it! It's wrong!" So, I asked him if we'd still have a sex life... to which he responded, "Yes, even though you'd be giggling the whole time, we'd still have sex"... to which I asked, "What if I were your HOT, retarded wife?" :P haha

I've also updated my apartment layout! I put the TV in the front room and put one of the couches where the TV used to be. Then, I moved the bookcase to the living room and the computer to the bedroom and then moved the kitchen table so it seats four now (this means more dinner parties everyone!) So, now I have the liberty to do my workouts, play video games, sing my Vietnamese karaoke, watch movies, and do my Alexander technique all in a large, open area! Stop by to see it sometime!

Lastly, I bought an electric 5-string violin! It was $260 off eBay and it's not a bad instrument! Yay! Well, that's all the news for now! Maybe I'll post a pic of me in some shiny leather pants and my new green 5-string on here one day... till then, thanks for reading and I hope you're all having a good summer!

Cinnabon & Panda - Illustrious Superhero Team

On Sunday, Chris and I graded 31 papers in 6 hours! For any of you that have graded research papers (comments, checklists, grades and all), our average of 5 papers per hour is quite the superhuman feat! ;) In fact, it's a team record! :P After we were done, we took a break to relax and shake off the rigors of marathon grading before heading to Denny's for dinner. Even at Denny's, we managed to grade two more papers while we were eating and conversing over a strangely sweet discussion...

Chris got syrup all over his chin while stuffing a piece of French toast in his mouth and laughing at the same time, making him look like he was retarded (and trust me folks, he looked pret-ty retarded) :P and in response, a horrible thought crossed my mind... if Chris were retarded, would I still care for him? I went through the scenario in my mind and decided that if he were retarded, I'd still love him. Strangely enough, the way that he was smiling at me with syrup all over himself was incredibly sweet, endearing... and... well... retarded (but that's beside the point :P) What I discovered was that even though he may not have the mental capacity to talk politics or even the coordination to go bowling, what I found truly counted after all was his capacity to love...

And even now I get to thinking, "Is it possible that nature gives birth to all of us, even those of us who are impaired in various ways, with everything we need to live life?" "Could it be that, after all is said and done, we can live complete lives if we are nurtured by love and given the opportunity to love?" This must be how parents can love and interact with their retarded children... it doesn't so much matter if they are smart or strong or able... the only competency they need their children to have is the capacity for love... and one thing is true, even retarded children, whether human or calf, knows when they are loved and how to love those who love them in turn.

And in the end, I know that retardation ensures some of us do not survive, and that's not what I'm talking about... I'm talking about what's important when you take everything else away... I wouldn't marry someone who was brilliant, strong, and competent but lacked the ability to love and care for me... and conversely, I wouldn't abandon the person I love (and who loves me) just because they couldn't read, or jog, or talk... as long as they can love me and I can enjoy seeing how my love affects them, that's all I can ask for... So, I leave you with this: If Chris were retarded, we would still have eaten at that Denny's... and he might have still ordered that French toast... and I'd still feel like the most loved and luckiest woman alive just from seeing his syrup-covered grin beaming happily back at me.

...3...2...1...We have boobjob!

So, I've decided to have my boobjob operation done with Tom Pousti in La Mesa. I decided on him for several reasons:

#1) He is in San Diego and I wanted to heal in good weather, around my family, and where there is cable TV :P
#2) He does most of the surgery using just his fingers (which means he has a high rate of women who keep their nipple sensitivity!)
#3) He has never had a case of bleeding or infection (the two most severe post-operative complications)
#4) He does very natural work! He can take someone from a AA cup to a medium C and it doesn't look fake!
#5) He seems like he is really interested in helping me achieve my personal goals and concerned about me as an individual :)
#6) Compared to Dr. Brahme ($5725) and Dr. Grover ($7300), Dr. Pousti comes in value-priced at $5400

All in all, whoever I decided on would have been a great choice - they all had their strengths. I'm glad I had such a qualified selection to choose from! Thank you to Chris for that one! ;) My appointments are: June 18th - 4:30 pm, Pre-op visit June 29th - 2:30pm, and Surgery day July 23rd - 9:30am. I'll keep you all updated right up to the day of surgery! :)

My Personal Crusade

My personal crusade is one in which I shall cleanse my entire apartment of unnecessary filth and reorganize everything according to my desires. My plan for apartment domination is logical and systematic, with plans for taking over one room at a time. Once the entire apartment is under my control, I shall begin to institute order and cleanliness across the carpeted lands. Any dirt, grime, or mold will not be tolerated and shall be quickly apprehended and discretely destroyed. Everything shall be categorized and compartamentalized; this shall pave the way for chaste systems and specialization. It will be hard in the beginning to ensure re-education amongst the citizens of my apartment. But soon, they will fall into comfortable roles as inanimate objects and my rule shall be the law of the land. Pope Urban II would be proud. :P

Solid.

On Thursday nite, I woke up shivering - my teeth were clattering together, I was shaking uncontrollably, I felt unexplainably nervous and upset, and I felt like I was completely naked in the middle of a frozen wasteland. I had some sort of bad dream about teaching violin and then when I went up to teach the kid, I couldn't say anything and the parents just kept looking at me, but all I could do is shake. It was so terrible that I tried putting on additional layers of clothing, closing the window, talking myself out of it, and evem slapping myself in the face to make me stop... but it was as if I had no control at all over what was happening. I got up and made my way to the kitchen to get some water, but I couldn't even hold that in my mouth! I went to go lay on the couch to just try to relax and talk myself out of whatever I couldn't control about myself and I just threw up acid everywhere inside this shopping bag that was luckily nearby... HORRIBLE NITE :(

The next morning, I'm so sick that I can barely walk - I think I have the flu or something. I lay in bed just falling asleep and waking up to take a sip of water every 5 minutes because my dehydration is so severe. I spend the next 4 hours laying in bed resting because I feel noxious when I stand up. I call Chris at work and ask him to visit me this weekend to take care of me (even though just 12 hours earlier I told him that he shouldn't come visit me this weekend because he has lots of work to do and he should spend time with his family). My friend, Craig, comes over to bring me lunch since I can't drive anywhere, cook anything, or even get out of bed. Sleep... until Chris calls with a one hour warning. I hit the showers, get out, throw up in my hair, become hysterical and cry about it and hit the showers again... I get out feeling hopeless and depressed and also very sick :( Chris surprises me at the door as I'm "on my way out to pick him up", greeting me with a big smile, open arms, a candy in the shape of a rose, and 2 pints of Atkins ice cream... all I can do is wince in pain :(

After realizing I don't just have a minor cold, Chris becomes Super-Amazing B/F and really steps up to the plate when taking care of me :D That nite, despite him taking my covers away so I wouldn't get more sick (grrrr), he notes that I was screaming out in my sleep and shaking uncontrollably - I don't recall a thing...

Saturday and Sunday pretty much sucked for me. Even though I tried to be at my best by acting healthy and able to do normal things, I was really weak and ended up having to go home from both Jack in the Box and IHOP :( I think the worst part was I gave my sickness to Chris :(

He started getting sick on Sunday (and maybe even Saturday - if he was hiding it, I couldn't tell), but today was the worst for him. So, I knew it was my turn to return the favor - and I really wanted to (he'd taken such good care of me!) :) By the end of our time together, I've almost made a full physical recovery (except for coughing and tiredness at times). However, I think Chris tries to hide the fact that he feels awful :( I feel so bad for getting him sick :( I hope he gets better soon! If not, I'll have to make some Sloppy Steves and bring them over to him ;)

I titled this blog entry "Solid." because this weekend showed me that our relationship is solid. When I was down and out, he came to my rescue, and when he became sick, I tried hard to comfort him and make him feel better. I also named it "solid" because we spent part of the weekend reading papers together and that shows me that we can work well together. All in all, we can work as an equal partners team. However, if one person isn't able to do something, that person knows that their partner will step in and help them out with that and vice versa. It shows me that our relationship is like this - something I've always known for myself - a team that's there for each other through thick and thin. I don't believe that if I really need him, that he won't help me and I'm betting the same goes for him too. From conflict resolution to caring for the ill, that kind of commitment is what makes our relationship solid :)