The Past

It's interesting... Chris and I went through a bunch of IM convos we had early on when we first were getting to know each other and other times when we were fighting, etc... I had to take a step back... saying or thinking the same things aren't so novel anymore like they once were... We know each other a lot better now... We don't even have to guess... it's just a result of a lot of the work we put into the relationship... But now... I read these things... and I see how I acted... knowing what I know now... knowing that I'd put his hapiness before the relationship... I was so SELFISH! :( For the first time, I truly saw what had been plaguing him all these months... I thought I knew... but I didn't... I didn't know at all... I was so stupid to think that he could "just get over it"

All the things I used to say to defend myself are moot... How can I have been so ignorant to think that the excuses I gave really justified my behavior? I really am ashamed of myself... Not only did I see a raw, objective retelling of the situation... but I also saw this entirely different person... someone who put her needs and her desires before the person she supposedly loved... How can I defend that?!?

All this time, I didn't truly know what I had said and done... my recollection of the events were always marred by my current feelings at the time... even up until today... I feel so fake and superficial... like nothing I've said to him when we were first getting to know each other was really with him in mind... I was so busy taking care of myself that it seems like I couldn't have possibly been interested in his thoughts and feelings... and yet, I want to tell myself that he's meant so much to me even since the beginning... but with proof like IM transcripts... how can I? :(