Resolution

I guess I have to begin this entry with a little story... I’ve been dating since I was 15 y/o (and mind you, I've had a fake ID since I was 15 too)... So, I wasn’t just meeting retarded high school boys... Even though I’d go out on dates, I never held hands with any of them... or kissed any of them... or had sex or anything... because I was saving all of myself for Mr. Right... this guy I dreamt about who was everything I ever wanted in a man... clever, funny, sweet, sexy, fit, the list goes on and on... and on, even ;) Well, when I was 17 y/o, I thought I had found him... Mr. Right... he was 17 y/o too... he matched my “qualifications” perfectly! Over time, this was the boy who I first held hands with... who I first kissed... and who I lost my virginity to. It was wonderful! He took me to Homecoming... we paged love notes to each other endlessly (because that was back in the day of pagers)... it was like it was out of a movie... the only problem was that we lived 3 hours away from each other... I lived in San Diego and he lived in Pasadena... Sadly, he ended up cheating on me... and broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces :( I never got over that... that he cheated on me and I gave all my firsts to him instead of someone who would have treated me better... and over time, I realized our “relationship” was entirely sexual, save going out to eat or watching movies (which we never got through because we’d be having sex half way through) So, for years, I dealt with the fact that not only was I a bad judge of character (having given myself up to someone like him) but I was also an idiot because there was never any real basis for having the feelings I had for him in the first place! In fact, I don’t think we ever just laid in bed and not had sex! Maybe I’m wrong in this... but I really do blame him for taking my innocence... he never had to cheat on me or lie to me and tell me he loved me when he didn’t... I always just wished that he could have just respected me and either told me the truth of his intentions or left me alone in the first place... For a long time, it was the biggest mistake of my life and every other b/f I’ve had had to deal with his crimes... I even lost hope that I could ever be happy again :(

Which brings us to tonite... the same guy came over tonite to pick me up and take me out to dinner and a movie in celebration of my Bday (which is on Sunday)... We ended up going to a sushi bar (reminiscent of our very first date) and we talked all about our plans for the future and how we’ve changed and who we are now and just everything! I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be a Special Ed. teacher! After dinner, we drove to the movie theater, but the movie we were going to see was all sold out :( So, he’s just like... “Let’s go back to your place and figure something out... maybe we can rent a movie or something”

So, we get back to my place and we both just sit on the couch and start talking... and then we start talking about the past... and I’m just telling him how I’ve felt ever since high school... how I never got over it... how I just now got back the ability to be innocent and open because of Chris... and he’s just like, “What happened between us is seriously one of the 3 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life” to which I respond, “Choosing you to be my first was definitely one of the biggest mistakes in my life... but I never wanted to be wrong about you... I never wanted to admit to myself that you were inherently a bad person but simply that things didn’t work out between us... I’ve always wanted to think of you as a good person... someone I could have been proud to be with... because then I wouldn’t feel like I was such a bad judge of character” and then he’s like, “Quyen, I’m so lucky and appreciative that even though I did the things I did to you, you have it in your heart to forgive me and be my good friend. That means so much to me” and I’m like, “You'll always have a place in my heart... even if you did do the things you did to me... There was a time when I just wanted to go to LA and slash your tires... but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy”

Then, we started talking about why things didn’t work out and how we were 3 hours away and we didn’t have the freedom or the means to have anything truly meaningful when we were both in high school... and how we didn’t have a fighting chance etc etc...

Then we’re sitting there and he’s just like, “I don’t think it’s wise if we see each other ever again” and I’m like “Why???” and he says, “Honestly, since we started talking again, I’ve gotten to know who Quyen really is and I think I’m falling in love with that person... and if I kept on seeing you, I know I would fall for you completely... and I would die inside knowing that I’m so in love with you and couldn’t do anything about it... I definitely feel you have a future with Chris, and I don't want to impede that because you being happy is way more important than whatever happens with us”

So, he got up and went to the door and turned around and asked me for one last hug... So, we hugged and for the first time ever, I had resolution... I could finally put away the ghost of the less than perfect relationship we had behind us... I finally felt like I could have been something to him... more than just some girl he fucked in high school... but someone he could have really fallen in love with... and for me, someone who I could have been happy having as my first... instead of the one thing I’ve regretted for years...

And I was happy... happy to know I wasn’t wrong about him... that in a different time and a different place... we could have been happy together... he could have been Mr. Right... happy to know I wasn’t a bad judge of character... and in a way, happy to know that, in an alternate reality, I could’ve been happy with my first... Now, I can remember him the way I should have all these years...

At long last... peace.