Lady Be Good

The walls came down last nite and I admitted a lot of things to myself, including the logic that underwrote why I'm "never happy" and "always finding the faults in our relationship". I've always known how I acted when it came to things like this... However, I never analyzed it in the terms of if it's really conducive to a good relationship or not... I always tried to work out the kinks in the relationship because I knew that if we could solve problems when they first occurred, or even pre-emptively, then we would have nothing to worry about when those things came up in the future... The thing I didn't realize was that when the "problems" had come to a conclusion that I deemed "successful", I never paid it any congratulations... To me, it was just another thing I didn't have to worry about... another thing to add to my relationship dossier and nothing more. This was not the way to pursue a "happy relationship" because, by definition, the word happy denotes that it should be enjoyable and pleasing... and it seems to make sense that always working to eradicate the bad was not as pleasurable as revelling in what was good about the relationship bond. You know, last nite, I forced myself to go through all the good thoughts that crossed my mind randomly during the week and list them right down the line... and I cried... because all this time I spent fighting and being disagreeable to further an unrighteous goal could have been better spent sifting over all the good points (points that were superior to others' relationships) and most importantly, just enjoying each other for what we have... I cried because I realized how wonderful our relationship really is... and I felt guilty for slowly and methodically destroying what we had strived to work for... He couldn't tell me how he felt anymore because he didn't trust that I'd listen or react kindly, he always felt like I thought the relationship was always dying because I always concentrated on the worst traits, and he felt like I wasn't willing to fight and help him during the hard times of the relationship... I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything I could to make sure he feels that he can always voice his opinions and thoughts without fear of me threatening the relationship, that I'd make sure that both he and I knew how I felt about the positive aspects of the relationship and there was no question that I did or did not enjoy being a part of that, and, above all, that he knows that I care about this relationship and am invested in it 100% because, truly, what we have is the most solid and wonderful thing in my life and I'd never let that go without a fight.