Epiphany

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that there will always be a place in your heart for those people whom you've loved in the past. One of my ex b/fs was in a really bad car accident yesterday and I went to see him. I'm not sure what possessed me to drop everything and go... but I did... I'd like to think it was because he still had a place in my heart and me in his... that maybe if I were in an accident, he'd drop everything and rush to my bedside too. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already in intensive care. From what I heard, he was driving around 90 on the freeway, someone cut him off, he lost control and his truck toppled over. Thankfully, his daughter wasn't in the passenger seat... I'd just die if I had to see her in a bed next to him.

All of us were there... people I remember from when we were together and others I didn't know... but we were all there because we loved him... and even though we each had different stories to tell and different memories to recollect, there was an understanding that connected us all.

I had a lot of time to think because I stayed at the hospital from 7pm to 7am. He'll probably wake up and worry about his car and where he's gonna find money to pay for the hospital bills... but, to me, that's not what really matters. What really matters isn't the fact that his truck got totalled or that he'll be unable to work and make money for weeks to come... what matters is that he's alive... and that he still has the opportunity to help and love those around him. What matters is whether or not there will be enough love around him to help him recover because we won't be remembered for the trust funds we leave behind but the memories and love that we've shared with others. I know I'll always remember the time I shared with him.

It scared me. Even though I wasn't with him or loved him in the way that I used to, I was scared... scared for his daughter, and others that depended on him in their own lives... It scared me because I had empathy for them... for if the person who was most important to me in my life were torn away from me... well, let's just say I cried alot... and, selfishly, not for my ex or his loved ones.

Chris is the world to me. I kept thinking... what if? What if it's not even an accident? What if he just leaves? What if I, too, never get a chance to show him what he means to me? What if? What if... I kept thinking about the past week... what we've uncovered... what I've learned... and a deep sense of regret swelled up inside of me... Above all, I wanted him to know for himself that the time he's spent with me was worth every second...

every...

second...