The End

Today marked the ending of two things: my therapy sessions and finals week. In a way, I'm disappointed to see them both go. Yet, at the same time, I have this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and contentment.

After working with my therapist, Dr. Goodwin, for the entire semester, I just have to say that I am amazed at myself for having come such a long way in reshaping who I am as a person. Of course, I can't take credit for all the work. I am blessed to have my b/f and my therapist in my life to help me talk things through and support me when I am in need of support. The both of them truly have my appreciation and gratitude for being there with me every step of the way :D Our last therapy session included a summary of what we accomplished since my first session... It's incredible how far a person can go in so short a time. When I first came to him, I thought alot of my "issues" had been resolved from a previous year spent in therapy... Little did I know that I had yet to discover many more... but I am glad I did because I am a much happier person now than I was before. I'm now able to derive pride and confidence from my own work and my own thoughts - I do not live to make other people feel good - I live to make my life the best it can be. I'm willing to express myself more - even at the cost of another person's approval. I can be around others and not feel threatened by what they think of me because I no longer give them the power to determine my self-worth. I'm now able to break out of seeing situations and their solutions in black and white terms - I'm more open minded about different options and perspectives. Along with that, I'm better able to not jump to conclusions and fulfill self-prophecies with negative self-talk. The way I communicate in relationships has improved greatly, and I feel much more able to take control of my own happiness in life. All in all, I've made great changes and I know that those close to me (as well as myself) are very proud of the person that I've become :D

On a side note, school is over! Now, I can concentrate on enriching my mind with various books and materials and hopefully keep developing my top secret project! I can also resume my workout and practice schedules now that I have extra time to do them! This is going to be a very exciting summer full of lots of growth and fulfillment :)

Yay!

I don't have breast cancer! :D I went to the doc this morning and she said it's nothing to be worried about :) However, with good news comes bad news... The bad news is that for some weird reason my breast tissue became uber-hard and now I might have to shell out $100 for an ultrasound to find out what is going on... although the silver lining in that cloud is that my breast augmentation fee usually covers a preventive ultrasound ;) The other bad thing is that what I thought was just a scratch on my boob is really ringworm (or some other type of fungus-thing) grooooooooooossssssssssss... But I'm looking at the bright side... I'd rather have "breast worm" than breast cancer ;)

The method to my madness

Okay, so I just wanted a catchy title so you'd read this... :P I just finished completing my theory on learning that incorporates child development research, theories on learning, and music education and wrapped them all up into one nice little package that you can print out. I am currently testing my method personally to work out the kinks. I plan to work with the system for the next 2 weeks on my own and, if all is Kosher, then I will introduce the method to a select few from my studio of violin students and see how they do with it. I feel like a mad scientist... I've been working on this for the past 6 weeks almost obsessively... reading books and articles and talking to various experts in the fields of psychology, sociology, and music education... and I think I have a very sound theory on my hands! :D At least that is what everyone is telling me... ;) Basically, the idea is to make better use of a student's time with their instrument while nurturing the development of life skills. It's actually a Top Secret project. So, I can't divulge too many secrets... I take it that the previous statement was sufficiently vague? ;) However, I will say this... For those of you who care to know, Suzuki was my inspiration for this... except it turned into a whole different ballgame :P I do hope my experiment works out, though. So far, I've found some of the kinks in my plan... but I am confident that with more research and some "field work" in the studio, I'll be able to perfect it! And seeing as how I'm my laziest student... if it works for me, it'll work for anybody! :P

B = TC squared

That formula stands for: Brilliance = Thoughts of Chris squared... So, tonite, we had an argument (or as I shall now so affectionately coin them: Buddha Battles) over whether I should get a natural looking boob job or a more fake looking boob job. Yes, lame topic but interesting outcome. Specifics aside, we managed to get through the argument without very much yelling, putting each other down, or using accusational "you" statements... and even when we made a mistake, we politely reminded the other person to mind the other person's feelings... which is a BIG step in the right direction for us. I'm proud of us that we are fighting smarter and bringing about a relationship that involves increasing amounts of trust, respect, openness, and closeness.

There were some things that we discussed that I'd like to share here because they are simply brilliant... First, we all know that no one is perfect, right? However, Chris goes on to say that we can never be absolutely perfect for another person because sometimes, what we need is not what we want, and sometimes, what we want is not what we need. That's an interesting thought... which brings about the next shard of brilliance... Often, we think that if we change something about ourselves that other people will like or appreciate us more. In my case, I felt a more natural boob job would appeal more to my b/f than a fake looking boob job. His response to that was, "Yes, I prefer the more natural looking breasts. However, it's your decision and I don't care what choice you make." To which I responded, "Why don't you care?"

Here's what he said: "If I really thought that a certain type of breast would make me like you more or less, then the real basis of our relationship is how your breasts look. That is to say that how your breasts look would be the predicate of the relationship, meaning that what we have now is nothing and simply a precursor to the start of the "real" relationship which is when you get a natural looking boob job." Sounds basic, but you'd be surprised at how many of us (men and women) don't realize that the ones that love us don't love us for want of our perfection, but for what we already are and, hopefully, continue to be.

So, tonite, I'm giving us both a round of applause because we both fought smart and I think we learned a little more about each other and what is at the foundation of our relationship as well as, for me, reinforced why I think my b/f is simply wonderful... He's brilliant, isn't he? ;)

Buddha's Relationship Tips

Buddhists believe that through pain, comes growth. That's basically the old adage of "What won't kill you will only make you stronger". Nature exemplifies this fact by the building and rebuilding of muscle tissue; muscle tissue rebuilds itself stronger after being torn down by strenuous exercise. In this same way, arguments in a relationship can serve as a vehicle for growth by providing pain. Now, maybe inflicting pain on the one you love doesn't sound like such a great idea (and it isn't)... However, if you fight smart, you can avoid the dehabilitating pulled muscle and nurture the art of exercising your emotions.

When I used to argue with my b/f, we'd get in such bad fights that tears and defensive maneuvers were commonplace. In fact, the only way for a fight to cool down was for someone to break down, sobbing. This was definitely not an effective way to argue and took a severe emotional toll on us that included depression and insomnia. The question was then, "What is the real purpose of arguing and how can arguing be done most effectively?" The answer, we would find, was that arguing occurred when both people came to a disagreement in opinion and both people felt a need for that opposing opinion to be heard and recognized. The answer to how arguing could be done most effectively was infinitely more elusive (and remains to be so, although we've come up with a few tips and tricks along the way)

The first thing we learned that is invaluable in arguments is the ability to use "me, myself, and I" statements and the corresponding agreement for your partner to recognize that the way you think and feel is valid (based on a basic mutual respect of intelligence and values). This helps to defeat accusations, condescending "you" statements, and disrespect.

The second thing we learned is that we each have different ways of dealing with pain and sadness. For example, when I'm sad, I want to be immediately reassured that what I say counts and to be taken care of. On the other hand, my b/f likes to have an explanation from the other person when he is upset. So, it's important to know that I need to concentrate on my ability to explain how I'm feeling, whereas he needs to concentrate on his ability to put aside the argument in order to make sure that I feel that I count.

The third thing we learned is that we have similar ways of dealing with things. This is akin to the "golden rule". If we want our opinion to be heard, we must realize that we must be open to hearing other's opinions. If we don't like to be yelled at, then we must be careful not to yell.

The fourth thing we learned is that we're not perfect and even though we're intelligent, we're still liable to make mistakes. So, this involves gentle reminders of things we need to be mindful of when arguing and to have empathy for each other.

These things make a relationship grow by encouraging trust, respect, openness, closeness, and comfort. Each time you argue smart, you embed good argument habits, thus strengthening the overall relationship and how you deal with each other. So, even though conflicting on opinions is a pain sometimes, Buddha certainly had a good idea when he said you can grow from it! ;)

What I learned at school today...

If there's one thing my creative writing class taught me, it's that academic poetry is so much harder to pull off than your average stream of consciousness, diary poetry. Today, I spent 5 hours writing 3 poems... Now if that's not altogether unproductive, I don't know what is. The worst part is that after I put my semester portfolio together, I still found mistakes... but, I did get them done... and that is all that the Principessa of Procrastination promises ;) Other than that, I'm almost home free when it comes to finals week :D I finished my philosophy final yesterday - Grade projection? A-... I presented my final for creative writing today - Grade projection? Considering absences, a truly deserved B-/C+... I also played my viola jury today - Grade projection? Who knows? I didn't have the last 6 lessons of the semester and my wrist still hurts from today's performance! Most likely an A-/B+... So, that's not so bad! I also found out I passed my upper division writing exam with an 11 (on a scale of 1-12) Only one more final to go... psychology... but I'm not worried, seeing as I have 103% in the class ;) Grade projection? A... So, seeing as I probably got an A-/B+ in orchestra (couple absences) and an A in string pedagogy, I estimate this semester's weighted GPA anywhere between 3.3 and 3.7... which is an average semester grade of B+/A- all around... not bad for someone with a full class load, and 3 jobs... well, 2 jobs now... I got fired from one of them... but that's an entirely different story ;) Oh, I also learned that I'm gonna need to really get my viola chops up before the surgery so I can just let my technique waste away for a couple weeks while I heal... so, not such an interesting blog... except for the fact that this stupid semester is almost over! Oh, and no more poetry writing for me for the next 6 months... I'm poetry'd out :P

Finals week, breast cancer, and a flying monkey...

Welcome to finals week here at CSUN :) As always, I'm doing all of the studying that I should have been doing during the semester, now (as in, the "now" that includes the hour and a half before the exam) However, as the Principessa of Procrastination, I assert my sovereignty by demonstrating the time honored tradition of the 90-minute cram session... and (as is only expected from a daughter of the royal house) I shall ace each respective exam garnering superior marks for my mastery in the areas of philosophy, writing, and psychology ;) But seriously, this is hell for me... I'd have more fun picking skin off my body after a sunburn. But what are you gonna do when the only person you can blame is you? Oh, that's right... blame the system ;) haha Tonite, I took my philosophy final and I'm pretty confident I made it out of the semester with an A-... not a bad trade-off for a study commitment time of around 3 hours! That's like an hour of study time per unit! Aren't CSU's great? ;) Tomorrow, I have my viola jury and my Creative Writing final... wish me luck!

So, I'm freaking out because there's a weird lump in my breast and it's hard... I'm not sure what it is, but I do know that it has been there for awhile... So, leave it to me to assume the worst... breast cancer :( The worst part is that it's happening now (as if there's ever a good time for it to happen?) right when I'm about to go under the knife for my breast augmentation! It's like a cruel trick nature is playing on me... like, "Oh! You thought you were going to make your breasts swell with pride and saline, didn't you? But oh no... We can't have any of that! Instead, we're going to give you breast cancer and further decrease what little breast mass was slopped to you in the first place!" Sigh, nature is a cruel, cruel mistress... I'd really like to slap that bitch ;)

And lastly, I have to include this memory for posterity... I was looking up the secret menu for the In-N-Out Burger (you know, stuff like animal style, protein style, 4x4, etc) and I came across what's called a "Flying Dutchman" - 2 burger patties with 2 slices of melted cheese and nothing else (a great Atkins meal!) So, my sister, Jenni, calls me and we're talking about the lump in my breast and somewhere along the way, I decide to tell her that she should go to In-N-Out and order a Flying Dutchman (since she's on Atkins too) A couple hours later, she calls me back...

Quyen: Hello?
Jenni: Hey. What was that thing you told me to order?
Quyen: From In-N-Out?
Jenni: Yeah.
Quyen: A Flying Dutchman.
Jenni: Oh, yeah. I thought it was a flying monkey or something like that. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Weekend Forecast: Highly charged - Low key

Friday - It all begins after a study group when I'm walking home and talking to my b/f on my cell. I haven't seen him in a week and a half, and this weekend, he has a family function to attend... even though I've begged and pleaded for him to come visit, this engagement seems non-negotiable... and so, being the good g/f that I am, I say, "Family comes first and I understand that you need to attend this function because it is important to you. We can always see each other next week" Sigh... another week I'll have to endure without seeing him :( So, upon returning home, I end the call and close the door behind me. Somehow, the weekend seems a little more emotionally difficult to navigate as I tread through the mess on the floor of my apartment toward the bathroom. Now, I'm peeing, thinking about what I should do now... should I go surprise him tomorrow? That would be nice :) Yes! That's what I'll do! If he can't come see me, then I'll go see him... even if it is only going to be for a few hours... Then, ... and are you ready for this? "Cue the 20 y/o girl screaming on the toilet!" :P At once, I knew who it was... it was like my mind played a huge movie sequence reminiscent of Amelie... 'He stole up the stairwell after watching me from afar... waiting for me all day to return from my study group... It was my b/f... and when I'd open the door, he'd be there with open arms and a sweet smile on his face'... and as I ran toward the door, taking time to catch myself in the mirror to notice my ratty hair, oversized shirt, and warmup pants, I knew that the person behind that door wouldn't mind :) And as I opened the door, there he was... my b/f... to surprise me in a way that is making me smile so much right now that my eyes are welling up with tears of happiness just thinking about it... He handed me a perfect, single, long-stem rose and a packet of burrito seasoning as a joke from my latest blog post and then wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me in his love... for the longest time, I just stood at the door, hugging him and kissing him and telling him how much I love him and how surprised I was that he came to see me despite the "family function" ;) He admitted to planning the whole thing since Monday, saying that it was hard to keep the surprise going when I'd get sad that we weren't going to be together this weekend... We spent the rest of the day together laughing and playing, talking and dreaming, but most of all just being happy in the simple pleasures of being together.

Saturday - We wake up and smile, recounting the day before :) We cook breakfast together in my little apartment, filling it with the smells of food, love, and solace... and afterwards... take a siesta until 1pm when we decide to wake up and bask in contentment in knowing that the person we love most couldn't be any closer than they are right now :) We take a trip to the grocery store to gather ingredients for the burritos and meatloaf we will make later that day. When we get home, we begin watching Ranma 1/2 and Escaflowne... and while the meatloaf is in the oven and the lime jello is setting, I take the opportunity to hold him close to me and rub his shoulders while watching TV. The love making tonite is simply luminous... and that rose? The one he greeted me with upon surprising me? He doesn't know it yet, but I woke up in the middle of the nite, took the rose out of the fridge and just smelled it while thinking of him, even though he was sleeping in the next room :)

Sunday - I wake up mumbling incoherence which somehow leads to reading each other articles about aneorexia, open marriages, and advice columns in bed. :P I cook a quick breakfast for the both of us since we've eaten all the pizzas, and I dash out the door only to return in an hour... We spend the rest of the afternoon watching a disc each of Escaflowne and Ranma 1/2 and finishing them... Then, after some more together-time, we get ready to leave. We end the day by sharing a sweet and playful dinner at the Elephant Bar and then after-dinner dessert at In-N-Out... joking, laughing, and sharing ourselves with each other... Sweet kisses mark our goodbye and I can still see him looking out the door as I drive away :)

Now - I'm sitting here, writing this and smelling this perfect rose he gave me as a present and token of his affection... and I'm thinking... usually people feel like this after spending a weekend in the Bahamas or a romantic stay in Paris... But me? I feel like this after spending a weekend inside, reading articles, cooking pizzas, burritos, meatloafs, and Jell-O, watching hours upon hours of anime nestled in my b/f's arms, and laying in bed, sleeping. Which makes me wonder how two people's feelings toward each other could be so highly charged while the time itself was so low key? And I don't so much wonder as much as just know that if there ever comes a time when our love and our connection to each other needs rekindling... forget the plane tickets, unpack the suitcases, and put down the sunscreen because all you really need to do is stock the fridge, pop in the anime, and lock the door :)

My b/f is a burrito!

It's been a very stressful day where almost everything that could go wrong, did... I couldn't print my term paper, the Power Point presentation I spent forever making didn't load onto the professor's laptop, all of the escalators were broken, I missed my pill, I got a huge headache, blah, blah, and blah... So, it's after class and I'm deliriously hungry... So, what could be more comforting than a trip to the grocery store with all of its wonderful food products, right? Well, somewhere along the way, I get this crazy idea that I just need to have a burrito even though I've never made one before in my life, much less worked with using fresh ground beef (I've always had this weird thing with ground beef. Something about the fact that it could be any part of the cow unsettles me a bit) Anyway, I'm being a trooper and I'm now waiting for the seasoning liquid in my burrito mix to reduce so I can eat my dinner of beef and cheese burritos by midnite - when it hits me... What is that smell on my fingers? Why do my fingers smell like my b/f? Oh, silly me... I must be thinking of him again... I often start to smell his scent when I'm thinking about him or I miss him... it's my mind's way of coping with the loss... I love him :) I swear I can really smell him... it's so comforting... like he's right here with me... holding me... mmmmmm... :) Wait... what's that? That smell... it's coming from right here... from my fingertips! It smells like my b/f! Wait, no... it's not my fingers...

And it is then that my eyes turn away from the end of my fingertips toward the skillet where the ground beef is cooking... "Oh my gawd! That smell... the way my b/f smells... the smell I love so much... is really burrito seasoning!" So now, I'm freaking out. Asking terrible questions like, "Why does he smell like burritos? Is it because he's 1/2 Mexican?" and "Did he eat alot of burritos growing up and now it has permeated his pores for life?" Which grows into, "I should learn to make really good burritos because my Mexican b/f probably loves them" and "He probably misses his favorite childhood meal: burritos"

So, I'm done folding up my burritos and I'm deep in actual thought when I take the first bite of my first homemade burrito and that fear of ground beef returns. And as I sit there, disillusioned, wondering why the burrito doesn't taste like my b/f, I finally get it... I really am thinking about him... that wonderful man who I've gotten to know very well over the past year... I'm thinking about him! :) Here's a guy that knows me inside and out and is always there to cheer me up when I'm down or cheer me on when I'm happy... This is the man who can hold me when everything seems wrong and somehow, make everything suddenly seem alright... This is the man who makes me happy... who makes me feel happy for life... who makes me feel happy to be me... and I realize... no... it's not the burrito at all... not at all... it's just him... and I finally understand what they mean when they say... The smell of love is in the air

400% more for 40% less?

What if I told you that you could go from a AA cup to a good C cup for $4K less than you thought it would cost? Well, that's basically what the two surgeons I met with today told me ;) Basically, I could get a large C if I wanted to... and it would only cost $5,500-$6,000 to do it! It was pretty exciting going to my consultations! Chelle came with me to help me check out the doctors. First, we went to La Jolla where Dr. Brahme met with me and told me about my options. His clinic does the most breast augmentations each month in the entire nation. The staff was helpful and kind as well as very professional. Everything ran very smoothly and according to plan and the good doctor himself seemed very jolly... like Uder, the little German boy, from the Simpsons :P The 2nd doctor I saw today was Dr. Pousti in La Mesa. He was also very kind and seemed just as skilled and caring as Dr. Brahme. However, even though he charged $325 less than Dr. Brahme, I felt his staff left something to be desired. It was much less comprehensive and professional overall and I think I'd be willing to pay an extra $325 for that kind of experience and service. So, now it's time to dispel breast implant myths...

Myth - Breast implants last about 10 years and then need to be replaced... Fact - Breast implants come with lifetime warranties against breakage and leakage and can last a patient up to 60 years or more if properly taken care of (Thank God! If I had to undergo surgery every 10 years, I'd die!)

Myth - People who have breast implants lose nipple sensitivity... Fact - Only 5% of patients notice a loss in nipple sensitivity related to breast augmentation (Wait... foreplay is still an option??? hehe :P)

Myth - Breast implants look fake... Fact - Actually, because earlier procedures couldn't produce the results we can get with today's methods, people began to associate fake looking breasts with implants. The fact is that today, implants are more natural looking than ever and when you do see implants that look "fake", it's often because the patient has requested that they look that way! (C'mon, didn't you know looking like you have fake breasts is a fashion trend? :D)

Boobies in the morning! Boobies in the evening!

Boobies at suppertime! Well, maybe not suppertime... After-dinner dessert anyone? ;) So, yes! I have the first two of four breast augmentation consultations tomorrow in San Diego. The other two will be on June 2nd and 3rd. The surgeons I'll be seeing tomorrow are Dr. Brahme in La Jolla and Dr. Pousti in La Mesa. I'm so excited! I can't wait to fill out my lingerie! haha No more waterbras or those weird silicone breast prosthetics to make me look and feel busty... and definitely none of that falling out at dinner parties anymore! Good Lord! How embarassing! Seriously though, my waterbra is so broken that the underwire is barely even connected to the actual bra anymore... I give it 3 more months before it implodes. So, logic says that instead of spending $30 on a new waterbra that may last 6 months, I should spend $10K on the actual thing that may last 10 years... Nice logic, huh? ;) Seriously though, I might as well enjoy them while I'm young... Who knows what my body will be like in 10 more years? I bet you that if you asked 10 women if they'd rather be a AA or a small C, 7 out of 10 would say small C... and if you asked 10 men if they'd rather have a wife that was a AA or a small C... 10 of them would say small C... So, I beg to put before you the question... Is it so bad to just want some cleavage??? :P

AIM gems

SweetAsianRain: Chris... can I tell u something?
Hiro Yui 2001: yes
SweetAsianRain: In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm Jenni... that I can't follow through... and sometimes... to overcompensate that fear... I would follow things just to prove to myself that I could do it... and sometimes to please others... that's what I was writing about in my blog... sometimes I do just want to act like a Jenni... sometimes I just want to see what's out there... but I think I've got it... I think I understand why Jenni is so scared to commit to one thing... maybe she doesn't feel like if she follows through with all of her heart, like she'll fail... like her relationships... like she won't give herself up to the relationship because if she fails she can fall back on the fact that it wasn't her fault...
SweetAsianRain: and in that same way... it's like... I want to put my heart in this... to really give it my all... but what if I fail? What if I put myself in this 100%... and then it fails... I think my fear is then that no one will pick me up... no one will be there to say "hey, it's ok that you trying was enough and I'm proud of you for that" because no one has ever said that trying was ever enough... no one has ever said that loving someone was ever enough... you have to do things... you have to make sure it's more than just effort... you have to make sure it succeeds... and most of all that u have something to show for it... well, maybe I won't be able to show anything for this... maybe it's okay if I fail... maybe it's okay for someone to love you and not have to show anything for it... maybe that's just what I want right now... me... myself
SweetAsianRain: :'(
Hiro Yui 2001: It is okay to fail.
and, I think you understand in what context that's possible.
If you've given it your all, who can fault you for that?
Not, anyone, or even you.
And that's what I like about pouring myself 100% into things.
I know that at the end, if failure comes about, it's not for lack of trying; it's not for lack of heart.
No regrets, you know?.
Hiro Yui 2001: If anything, I think I would be amazingly proud of you just for even trying.
Even now, I'm proud of my little Quyen
Hiro Yui 2001: I'm just trying to look out for you because I know how you've felt about failure in the past, or planning so many things.
SweetAsianRain: I know sweetie... I just need people to say that more... "It's ok if you're not strong and amazing... it's okay if you let us down... we love you for who you are... not what you bring to our lives"... Thanks Chris :-) You're sweet... I love you :-) I hope we're together through everything
Hiro Yui 2001: Quyen, you bring so much to my life because of who you are.
That's why I struggle so much with myself when I don't feel as though I'm doing enough to take care of you, when I don't feel I know how.
SweetAsianRain: Chris, you take care of me more than I take care of myself sometimes... that's why I really feel like I can try... like I can do it... you give me the support and love I need to carry through with my plans... I don't think that if you weren't here with me... that I would have the inner strength to try... but I do... and you give that to me by being there and taking care of me and loving me and thinking of me... I can't even say how much you mean to me and how much you are to me... I can only let you know in the little ways... everyday... upon waking with a smile... or holding hands while arguing... ur lasting... and you make me so happy that I can share your life with you :-)
Hiro Yui 2001: weeple weeple :-)
SweetAsianRain: :-) I love you very very much
SweetAsianRain: <-------wishes she could hug you right about now
Hiro Yui 2001: I do too
ah due too-too

A Procrastinating Life - A Life Procrastinating

I love those... you can do it to almost anything... you say something, turn it around, and then it takes on a whole new meaning! Try it! The Stream of Consciousness - The Consciousness of Streams :P Pretty kewl, huh? ;) Anyway, I taught today, played a concert and even did some work on developing my plans for the future... So, I guess that's where tonite's title comes from... Do u ever feel like you procrastinate so much that it's a dominant trend in your life? Maybe you do it so much that instead of trading off studying for, say, video games, you're trading it for life. Sometimes, I get lost in feeling so hopeful for what's ahead, and then hopelessness takes over and makes me feel like whatever I do won't be enough to affect change... almost like I lack the talent or the intelligence to really change my destiny... or maybe it's my will...

I do like working on my theories... it helps me realize how much I do know and, even moreso, how much I still want to know... but sometimes this feeling like I've done nothing with my life... like this chain of accomplishments I've made in life somehow don't connect... like they are scattered... and it makes me feel like I haven't applied myself... as a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none... A friend of mine told me yesterday that he will be taking a professor position on the east coast... I remember when I thought I wanted nothing more than to be a college music professor... then again, at different points in my life, I wanted nothing more than to be a comic book artist, a novelist, a poet, a viola soloist, a psychologist, even a psychic! So, maybe you can see how I've spread myself out over the years... devoting myself to writing, helping others, music, psychicism, and drawing (I was so serious, I even had a drafting table!) I think most people don't realize that deep inside this focused and steadfast woman lies a very spontaneous and inquisitive little girl who just wants to sit around all day in the garden smelling the roses and making mud pies... in other words, take the time to appreciate what catches my interest and be able to have fun and not be embarassed about doing something that seems... well... useless... So, now... I am again on the road (after a small stint of rose-smelling and mud-pie-makery) toward my future... The sun is shining now and I can see success on the horizon... the only question is... how many more roses are on the way?

1:26 AM 5/16/04

Wow! My first blog! So, let me start by introducing myself... My name is Quyen Nguyen. I'm a junior @ Cal State Northridge majoring in viola performance. I'm Vietnamese, 5'8", 133 lbs., with long black hair and brown eyes. I have a b/f named Chris who I talk to almost every nite... So, I guess that's where this blog begins...

I'm writing tonite to recount the convo we had... We were discussing more effective strategies for arguing... One of them being that whenever someone is hurt, to ask them why they are hurt and give them a chance to explain their feelings and thus validating their thoughts... This would prove to give each other a deeper understanding about the situation as well as make the person who is hurt feel like they are being cared for and listened to... The other thing we talked about is what we can do to empathize with each other more... By understanding that the other person is an intelligent individual, we can say that whatever that person is feeling must be valid for it makes sense to them... Because they are intelligent, we can safely say that how they feel is valid and logical to them and not just imagined or superfluous... So, because we understand that, we can better appreciate the ability to want to know where the other person is coming from and respecting the other person's feelings and ideas... This proves to strengthen the relationship by promoting communication, trust, empathy, and openness. haha That totally sounded like an essay...

But anyway, I've also been thinking about in which direction I want to take my career... And it's sort of like looking back and saying "Gee, I wish I had done that this way (etc)" I guess right now, I know I love helping people achieve what they want to achieve... My job as a writing tutor is very rewarding to me... It helps me help others as well as do something that helps me know I'm affecting the world... So, I guess the next thing I know is that I want to contribute to society and the world... Now, whether that's through fame and talent or reputation and merit, I'm not sure... All I know is that in some way I want to make a contribution to a body of knowledge (I guess we can rule out political figure then :P) So, let's see what jobs I've been thinking of: respected music pedagogue, governess of a music school, nun that runs a research facility (j/k on that last one) I'm not sure... But right now, we'll put my goals as: help others achieve what they want for themselves and contribute to society by expanding a specific body of knowledge... Anyway, it was nice talking to all of you tonite... I'm going to go to sleep now :)