Buddha's Relationship Tips
Buddhists believe that through pain, comes growth. That's basically the old adage of "What won't kill you will only make you stronger". Nature exemplifies this fact by the building and rebuilding of muscle tissue; muscle tissue rebuilds itself stronger after being torn down by strenuous exercise. In this same way, arguments in a relationship can serve as a vehicle for growth by providing pain. Now, maybe inflicting pain on the one you love doesn't sound like such a great idea (and it isn't)... However, if you fight smart, you can avoid the dehabilitating pulled muscle and nurture the art of exercising your emotions.
When I used to argue with my b/f, we'd get in such bad fights that tears and defensive maneuvers were commonplace. In fact, the only way for a fight to cool down was for someone to break down, sobbing. This was definitely not an effective way to argue and took a severe emotional toll on us that included depression and insomnia. The question was then, "What is the real purpose of arguing and how can arguing be done most effectively?" The answer, we would find, was that arguing occurred when both people came to a disagreement in opinion and both people felt a need for that opposing opinion to be heard and recognized. The answer to how arguing could be done most effectively was infinitely more elusive (and remains to be so, although we've come up with a few tips and tricks along the way)
The first thing we learned that is invaluable in arguments is the ability to use "me, myself, and I" statements and the corresponding agreement for your partner to recognize that the way you think and feel is valid (based on a basic mutual respect of intelligence and values). This helps to defeat accusations, condescending "you" statements, and disrespect.
The second thing we learned is that we each have different ways of dealing with pain and sadness. For example, when I'm sad, I want to be immediately reassured that what I say counts and to be taken care of. On the other hand, my b/f likes to have an explanation from the other person when he is upset. So, it's important to know that I need to concentrate on my ability to explain how I'm feeling, whereas he needs to concentrate on his ability to put aside the argument in order to make sure that I feel that I count.
The third thing we learned is that we have similar ways of dealing with things. This is akin to the "golden rule". If we want our opinion to be heard, we must realize that we must be open to hearing other's opinions. If we don't like to be yelled at, then we must be careful not to yell.
The fourth thing we learned is that we're not perfect and even though we're intelligent, we're still liable to make mistakes. So, this involves gentle reminders of things we need to be mindful of when arguing and to have empathy for each other.
These things make a relationship grow by encouraging trust, respect, openness, closeness, and comfort. Each time you argue smart, you embed good argument habits, thus strengthening the overall relationship and how you deal with each other. So, even though conflicting on opinions is a pain sometimes, Buddha certainly had a good idea when he said you can grow from it! ;)
When I used to argue with my b/f, we'd get in such bad fights that tears and defensive maneuvers were commonplace. In fact, the only way for a fight to cool down was for someone to break down, sobbing. This was definitely not an effective way to argue and took a severe emotional toll on us that included depression and insomnia. The question was then, "What is the real purpose of arguing and how can arguing be done most effectively?" The answer, we would find, was that arguing occurred when both people came to a disagreement in opinion and both people felt a need for that opposing opinion to be heard and recognized. The answer to how arguing could be done most effectively was infinitely more elusive (and remains to be so, although we've come up with a few tips and tricks along the way)
The first thing we learned that is invaluable in arguments is the ability to use "me, myself, and I" statements and the corresponding agreement for your partner to recognize that the way you think and feel is valid (based on a basic mutual respect of intelligence and values). This helps to defeat accusations, condescending "you" statements, and disrespect.
The second thing we learned is that we each have different ways of dealing with pain and sadness. For example, when I'm sad, I want to be immediately reassured that what I say counts and to be taken care of. On the other hand, my b/f likes to have an explanation from the other person when he is upset. So, it's important to know that I need to concentrate on my ability to explain how I'm feeling, whereas he needs to concentrate on his ability to put aside the argument in order to make sure that I feel that I count.
The third thing we learned is that we have similar ways of dealing with things. This is akin to the "golden rule". If we want our opinion to be heard, we must realize that we must be open to hearing other's opinions. If we don't like to be yelled at, then we must be careful not to yell.
The fourth thing we learned is that we're not perfect and even though we're intelligent, we're still liable to make mistakes. So, this involves gentle reminders of things we need to be mindful of when arguing and to have empathy for each other.
These things make a relationship grow by encouraging trust, respect, openness, closeness, and comfort. Each time you argue smart, you embed good argument habits, thus strengthening the overall relationship and how you deal with each other. So, even though conflicting on opinions is a pain sometimes, Buddha certainly had a good idea when he said you can grow from it! ;)
posted by Quyen @ 1:44 AM
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