Am I being philosophical enough?

Lately, I've been feeling like I haven't been posting very thought provoking blogs. I was going back through my old posts and reading them and I was surprised by how good the writing was as well as how deep the ideas really got. The only answer I came up with to explain this is: Chris and I haven't been fighting.

Usually, our regularly scheduled fights inspire some kind of realization or epiphany which I handily record in my blog for posterity. But in the past 3 months, he and I have probably had only a handful of arguments. So, no more amazing posts from me. The real question then becomes: Have I become such a great person that I don't have much left to learn and realize? OR Is this period of time where he and I aren't arguing some kind of "calm before the storm" in which I will learn a great many things and then, again, handily record them in my blog?

But anyway, that's my excuse for not posting very often. I don't really have much to say these days. No exciting epihanies or show-stopping realizations that I just HAVE to write down and share with everyone like it's some sort of intellectual Ambrosia. So, I hope you still enjoy reading what little I still put out, and who knows? Maybe we'll get in a fight just for the hell of it (for the sake of my blogging community, of course!) and I'll post something completely and entirely revelational and life-changing! ;P

Passion or Persistence?

Today, I was thinking about a famous quote by President Calvin Coolidge:

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated failures. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."

But I would argue that nothing in this world can take the place of passion. Passion feeds the fire that is persistence and carries with it joy, fulfillment, and originality. Just because someone can persist doesn't mean that they will necessarily succeed. "Persistence" in this quote is assumed to also carry with it the inner drive and motivation which accompany the efforts carried out in a persistent attempt; however, persistence alone does not mean that internal drive exists.

Now, passion and persistence can both be roads to success. The difference between them is that one has a decidedly personal context and the other has societal significance. When you have a passion for something, you independently pursue whatever that passion is, not for others but for your own satisfaction. With passion, internal drive exists which paves a clear way to persistence and dedication. All in all, passion is a very personal endeavor that is associated with self-fulfillment and joy. Persistence is also a way of succeeding, although it does not carry with it the connotation of personal satisfaction. Persistence is a quality that people make use of when they need to meet a deadline or there is some circumstance which forces them to complete a task no matter what. Persistence does not necessarily mean that the person is working towards a personal goal or that they are engaging in the task to cultivate happiness within themselves. Often, people persist when they are expected to succeed.

Although passion may not always lead to success, it is what the human spirit is made of. Out of passion comes persistence and so much more. So, while persistence and dedication do play an important role in life's tasks, passion plays an even more important role in how we all live life. So, I would have to disagree with President Coolidge and say this:

"Passion. Passion alone is omnipotent." - Quyen Nguyen

A Great Relationship

Tonite, I was talking with a friend about Chris and I and our relationship. I was telling him how I wanted to be done with school already and be living with Chris and working my full time job at the music school. He responded with how he wanted a girl, too - that he was so very lonely. It made me sad for him and reminiscient of my own past, and it made me appreciate all that Chris and I have together, even more.

I remember those times when I was lonely, but not the lonely that can just go away if you hang out with someone for awhile. It's that hopelessness-lonely. The kind you feel when you don't have faith in love or good people or even a real connection. I remember crying myself to sleep, wondering if I'd ever find someone who could share love and appreciation with me (this may seem funny to some of you, but I really felt that I would grow up to be a spinster). The other thing was that this loneliness wasn't just from being alone. Sometimes, I felt lonely even when I was in a relationship. It was like something was missing. But it made no sense: I was in a relationship... what was missing? And I realized, then, that just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean it's a great relationship and it doesn't mean you can't still feel lonely inside.

Which leads me to where I am right now. What makes a great relationship? What keeps people from feeling lonely? I'm sure there are so many possible answers, but I have only managed to come up with a few of the answers that come to mind when I think of Chris and I:

1. Complete emotional security - A great relationship is one in which you can feel strong even when you're weak. Your partner doesn't see your vulnerability as a downfall like the rest of the world may. Instead, a great relationship encourages you to deal with your hurt and pain and transform them into something more productive. In this way, you're free to release and let go and grow into something more, something better. When a relationship has complete emotional security, it's understood that it's okay to be wrong and that your partner doesn't point out your faults to be callous, but instead, to help you become a stronger person. "Our critics are our friends; they show us our faults" - Benjamin Franklin

2. Open lines of communication - Great relationships go beyond basic trust; instead, they boast self exposure. When you trust someone, you are acknowledging their integrity. When you expose yourself to someone, you are entrusting your integrity to them. This is why many relationships lack good communication; it is hard to turn over your control over a situation and trust in someone else's ability to take care of it. In a great relationship, communication and self exposure are common occurences because you trust that you will be able to get past the issue at hand. Along with complete emotional security, open lines of communication are essential to being able to address concerns and get through tough situations, together.

3. Willingness to please one another and compromise - Perhaps the most important aspect of great relationships is the willingness to please one another and compromise. This directly applies to sexual and emotional aspects of the relationship and can be both voluntary and judicious. In the willing, voluntary sense, this can involve giving a back massage when not asked, looking espcially attractive for each other, or offering to help your partner with a difficult task. In the judicious, compromising sense, this can involve having sex with your partner when you're not in the mood, trying to understand where your partner is coming from even if you think they're wrong, or letting your pride give way to your partner's emotional well-being during an argument. When you want to please one another and compromise, selflessness and outward affection take the place of selfishness and pride.

With aspects of a relationship like this, it is impossible to feel like things aren't working or your relationship is not what you want it to be - and loneliness definitely has no part in this ;) It took Chris and I a very long time to get to the point that we're at right now, but I'm glad we made the journey together :) I've made lots of mistakes on the way, but I finally came to some vital realizations, and now our relationship is the better for it. I hope everyone can incorporate and maintain great relationships in their lives - it's both beautiful and life-changing when you can. :D

Respite

Yay! It's my Spring Break! :D I'm not going anywhere exciting or doing anything very out of the ordinary this year because I just need this time to catch up on homework, sleep, and apartment cleaning. God, my place is such a mess... :( so, the tumor/hernia/lymph node actually was treated (rather well) by some very powerful anitbiotics - which leads me to believe I had cat scratch fever, although I'll have to do a followup with my doc to make sure. I'm feeling better except for some mild pain every now and then. I'm even thinking of going to Kung Fu class tonite to do some light stretching and exercise. Tomorrow, they are thinking of heading to Mountain High for some snowboarding! :D I really want to go! But I guess I'll have to see how I feel first. :P

So, my b/f, Chris, got his new apartment last week and I saw it for the first time this weekend! :D It's so totally cute! I can see myself spending a lot of time there hehe ;) We went shopping for all sorts of stuff to help him move in, and I forgot how many things you actually have to get for your place to even make it "motel quality". I'm so glad I don't have to go through all the headache that comes with furnishing your new apartment, although it is kinda fun decorating one. I'm jealous of that; I wish I had a new apartment to decorate hehe :P But even though I have all these ideas for how to make his apartment look snazzy, I have to remember to bow out because it's not my turf. I'm looking forward to helping him learn how to cook with all of his fancy new gadgets though! :D Our first cooking lesson? Ramen! haha j/k :P

Other than all of that, I've been really sleepy today. I woke up around 8AM and then went back to sleep and slept from 10AM to 1PM. Can you believe I'm still tired? I actually want to go to sleep right now :( *yawn* But there's still so much to do *sigh* BTW, thanks to everyone for all your kind thoughts and wishes about my illness. I really appreciated it :)

Doctors and Blogger - They're all the same

Okay. First off, I haven't been able to comment on anyone's blogs! WTF? That totally sucks! Unlike Grace, I don't want to take the time to post my comments to everyone's blogs on my own blog. Anyway, I'm sorry you guys haven't been getting any comments on your blogs from me. Blogger is being buggy. YB suggested another blogging forum, but I've been blogging on blogger.com for almost a year now. I'm kind of attatched :P ...even if it is buggy ;)

Secondly, I haven't been posting because I've been in a constant state of medical alarm. I've had a growth growing on my left hip/groin for about a month now. Just recently, it has doubled or tripled in size and become so painful that my ability to walk has been impaired significantly. I've seen 5 different doctors in the past 2 days: a urologist/surgeon, a UCLA Medecine faculty member, a doctor in the ER @ Kaiser, a visiting doctor from Germany, and my own general practitioner. None of them know what is wrong with me...

At first, they thought I had an inguinal hernia because I have all the history of a hernia. However, it's not in the right place of where a hernia should be and I'm not throwing up everywhere (also symptomatic of a hernia). The next thing they thought it was was a swollen lymph node because it's tender to the touch (i.e. it fucking hurts if you touch it, so don't)... except it's too high to be in the lymph node region. After that, they thought it was "cat scratch fever" which makes sense since I have a cat who scratches me... the only problem is that I'm not running a fever and my white blood cell count is completely normal. I even had x-rays and they show nothing.

So, I'm in a lot of pain, always on the verge of admitting myself to the county hospital, and dealing with midterms and papers that are due, all at the same time. It totally sucks! The only thing they haven't ruled out is a malignant tumor :( I made my "goodbye, world" calls a few nights ago. I bet my friends and old acquaintances all thought that was pretty funny since I'm still here and blogging away. I just wanted to say one thing: Doctors and Blogger are both user unfriendly and make everyone feel like they don't know what's going on.

Laaaaaazer...

I'm so excited! I have an appointment this Thursday afternoon to get some laser hair removal done :) Whoo-hoo! I'll finally be silky and smooth like all my asian ancestors :P Apparently, I may need up to 8 or 9 treatments to complete the semi-permanent results (usually 90% elimination). At $80 a pop, it'll only be $720 at the most. I swear. I'm such a beauty rejuvenation junkie.

Each treatment is spaced out 4-5 weeks at first, and then 5-7 weeks towards the end of treatment. After that, I'll need a "touch up" every 8 months to a year to make sure things stay permanent. So, I figure the whole treatment process should be somewhere close to a year. Finally! No more plucking and shaving! :D

I'm thinking of what my next beauty buy should be. I'm debating between Botox in between my eyebrows and in my forehead OR Restylane (longer lasting version of collagen) in my smile lines. The thing is that I'm only 21 y/o. However, I look like I'm 35 y/o. If you don't believe me, people always tease me about dating a younger man when I tell them my b/f, Chris, is 25 y/o. How depressing... :P Hmnn... maybe glycolic peels or some microdermabrasion might suffice... hehehe :D

My Achilles Heel

If there was one flaw of mine that could turn me from mild-mannered Asian college student into Greek tragedy, it would be my memory. My memory is so bad that I forget things people have just said to me. It's so bad that the only thing I can count on is images - visuals. I don't remember words spoken or dates. I can't pinpoint a memorable night down to even the month in which it occurred. It's come to the point where if Chris says I said something or did something, I have to believe that I did it, even though it may seem uncharacteristic of me. Imagine for a second just how much access Chris has to the possiblity of manipulating me... :P

My bad memory is a combination of things. However, it stems from one terrible center: my abusive childhood. I remember very few bad things that happened to me when I was young. The only things I remember are the feeling of flying through the air and across the room until my body collided into a closet door and broke it (I don't remember why I was thrown or if it hurt, just that feeling of weightlessness and then the inevitable crash) and hitting my head on the end of a banister as a child and having my dad come in and beat me for accidentally hurting myself. The rest of these bad memories come to me in the form of stories from others - how I was thrown into a clothes dryer and had it turned on with me inside, how my arm was broken with a strike from a telephone, and other seemingly impossible stories of abuse from my father.

But I guess it happened. People tell me it did. So, I guess I have to believe it. But I don't remember any of it. I've blocked it out - bad memories I never want to remember. And I think my brain has gotten so used to burying memories deep inside of me that it doesn't know how to do anything else. I see my childhood in the way that someone would flip through a photo album - just snapshots and scenes with no captions. Even if I could remember, I'm not sure if I'd want to. But there are memories that I do want to hold on to, like standing at the stove, cooking, Chris sneaks up behind me, slides my hair away from my neck and presses his warm lips against my soft skin *sigh* But who knows when even that will bury itself like all the rest? :(

Organizing Headaches

So, I've taken it upon myself to prepare a timeline for all my assignments which are due. I've already completed my task for the day (which was filing for financial aid). Now, I can work on a couple other things due tomorrow morning. It's scary! I have something due every day from now until spring break! I'll be so glad for the mid-semester break...

I've decided to take the advice of Peachy and TMA - I'll be leaving for SD Saturday afternoon after I finish work. I'll get to see my mom, see Toasty, my sisters, relax in a city that has a little less pollution and maybe just get a second wind in order to combat all this stress. All this time, I thought that if I just worked harder in the face of adversity, I'd succeed. I guess it just goes to show that when you can't push a wall over, it helps to go around it. ;)

I've been getting these huge migraines for the past 24 hours. I never get headaches. I think it's due to some combination of worrying about all the due dates and nightmares and then not eating enough food. I'm really used to having a meal every 3-4 hours. But now, I'm trying to cut back down to 3 slightly larger meals per day. I'm not sure whether the headaches are from stress or just because I'm woozy from not eating enough. Hmnn... Then again, I did just eat a 6" Subway sandwich and my head still hurts. At least the FAFSA is one thing off my mind ;)

Shifting Into 5th Gear

School is into full swing for me now. I have papers due, concerts to attend, museums to go to, lesson plans to make, reflections and responses to write, and hundreds of pages of reading to do. I feel a little overwhelmed right now. But I'm sure that in one week, I'll be feeling simply inundated. I knew this would happen at the beginning of the semester as I was planning my schedule. Two part time jobs, full time school, Kung Fu, boyfriend time, time for cooking and meals, and my own personal sanity time... All this I could handle. But when you throw in time to do schoolwork? That's it. You might as well stick a fork in me and test me for doneness cuz I'm freaking burned the fuck out. *sigh* :(

Now, I know other people have done it and succeeded with a lot more on their shoulders than me, but fuck that. I'm not them. Firstly, I know I will succeed. I'm just a masochistic bitch like that. Secondly, I'll succeed with flair. I'm just stylish like that ;) But a lot of things are on my mind lately. My nightmares have been getting worse and more vivid. And if you've followed my blog for any amount of time, I sometimes have precognitive dreams. Lately, they've been about my mom who has a brain tumor that she refuses to get checked out... well, since 1990-something-or-other. The doctors (back then) said she was supposed to die in 6 months. But she's been alive ever since. But it's always been in the back of my mind... like some kind of time bomb grotesquely ticking away.

Anyway, I'm worried about her, and I want to go see her in San Diego (which adds another load of stress on me). There literally aren't enough hours in the day and what's worse is the fact that I have to decide what gets priority in my life. I had a convo with a friend a few days ago about justice and mercy, and I told him that "justice can try itself again and again, but mercy has only one opportunity". How sobering, yet true. Let's believe in second chances...