A Great Relationship

Tonite, I was talking with a friend about Chris and I and our relationship. I was telling him how I wanted to be done with school already and be living with Chris and working my full time job at the music school. He responded with how he wanted a girl, too - that he was so very lonely. It made me sad for him and reminiscient of my own past, and it made me appreciate all that Chris and I have together, even more.

I remember those times when I was lonely, but not the lonely that can just go away if you hang out with someone for awhile. It's that hopelessness-lonely. The kind you feel when you don't have faith in love or good people or even a real connection. I remember crying myself to sleep, wondering if I'd ever find someone who could share love and appreciation with me (this may seem funny to some of you, but I really felt that I would grow up to be a spinster). The other thing was that this loneliness wasn't just from being alone. Sometimes, I felt lonely even when I was in a relationship. It was like something was missing. But it made no sense: I was in a relationship... what was missing? And I realized, then, that just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean it's a great relationship and it doesn't mean you can't still feel lonely inside.

Which leads me to where I am right now. What makes a great relationship? What keeps people from feeling lonely? I'm sure there are so many possible answers, but I have only managed to come up with a few of the answers that come to mind when I think of Chris and I:

1. Complete emotional security - A great relationship is one in which you can feel strong even when you're weak. Your partner doesn't see your vulnerability as a downfall like the rest of the world may. Instead, a great relationship encourages you to deal with your hurt and pain and transform them into something more productive. In this way, you're free to release and let go and grow into something more, something better. When a relationship has complete emotional security, it's understood that it's okay to be wrong and that your partner doesn't point out your faults to be callous, but instead, to help you become a stronger person. "Our critics are our friends; they show us our faults" - Benjamin Franklin

2. Open lines of communication - Great relationships go beyond basic trust; instead, they boast self exposure. When you trust someone, you are acknowledging their integrity. When you expose yourself to someone, you are entrusting your integrity to them. This is why many relationships lack good communication; it is hard to turn over your control over a situation and trust in someone else's ability to take care of it. In a great relationship, communication and self exposure are common occurences because you trust that you will be able to get past the issue at hand. Along with complete emotional security, open lines of communication are essential to being able to address concerns and get through tough situations, together.

3. Willingness to please one another and compromise - Perhaps the most important aspect of great relationships is the willingness to please one another and compromise. This directly applies to sexual and emotional aspects of the relationship and can be both voluntary and judicious. In the willing, voluntary sense, this can involve giving a back massage when not asked, looking espcially attractive for each other, or offering to help your partner with a difficult task. In the judicious, compromising sense, this can involve having sex with your partner when you're not in the mood, trying to understand where your partner is coming from even if you think they're wrong, or letting your pride give way to your partner's emotional well-being during an argument. When you want to please one another and compromise, selflessness and outward affection take the place of selfishness and pride.

With aspects of a relationship like this, it is impossible to feel like things aren't working or your relationship is not what you want it to be - and loneliness definitely has no part in this ;) It took Chris and I a very long time to get to the point that we're at right now, but I'm glad we made the journey together :) I've made lots of mistakes on the way, but I finally came to some vital realizations, and now our relationship is the better for it. I hope everyone can incorporate and maintain great relationships in their lives - it's both beautiful and life-changing when you can. :D