Quyen's Surgery!

Hey all!  Well, I'm going away for surgery now.  I hope all goes well and they look GREAT after Dr. Pousti is done!  I'll be away for approximately one month or less.  I won't be able to move my arms at all or take a shower for the first week and can drive after 2 weeks are over.  But I won't be playing viola or doing any auditions or gigs until after about 6-8 weeks. 

Just so all of you know, I'll be having a "bra party" to celebrate my 2 new friends in September once most of the swelling goes down.  I'll be making appetizers and serving drinks, and in trade for a new bra or piece of boob-related clothing, I'll let you see the wonders of plastic surgery  ;)  (I'll post my new bra size as the party approaches!)  It should be fun!  E-mail me if you're interested!

Well, I guess this is goodbye for at least a couple weeks or so.  I hope you're all enjoying the summer and wish me luck on Friday, July 23rd @ 7am  :)

The Price of Commitment

The price of commitment is worth paying, for the right person. 
 
Christopher Ruiz, my love, I'm waiting for you outside. 

Quyen's 1/2 of Quyen's Bday (condensed version)

Picking up where Chris left off, we arrived at the Holiday Inn and went up to room 407 (I don't know why I remember that, but I figured it might be important later to know if I wanted to "relive" that day) Anyway, we get to the hotel room where Chelle and Jenni berate my hair and proceed to do something about it to make it look "presentable". I was already uptight about not being pretty enough for the family and my suspicions were confirmed :( Mom and Lew get to the room and we all go down to the Elephant & Castle restaurant where we all opt for the breakfast buffet, complete with custom omelettes and Belgian waffles ;)

After we were finished eating, it was present time! From Newton: a bottle of Grey Goose and some Red Bull; from Jenni and Chelle: a whole bunch of drinking paraphenelia; from Lew and Mom: $100 and Premium seating @ a Padre game (also breakfast and dinner); from Chris: TBA ;)

So, Chris, Mom, Lew and I all take a cab to Petco Park to catch a Padres game. #1) I've never been to a baseball game in my life and #2) Petco Park is the brand new stadium in SD. I was so excited to see what our "premier club" tickets were for! It was this cute little bar-type restaurant setting that came complete with A/C and a bouncer outside to bounce those not fortunate enough to spend $55 a ticket to go! There was free food and a shaded deck to watch the game from with HDTVs showing the game while waiters and waitresses took your order and stood in line to get food from the vendors where the "regular" sports fans go to get their food. It was like going to a ritzy club! It was so amazing! The first thing I did when I got inside was eat cheesecake, chocolate dipped strawberries and fresh-baked cookies! After that, I got a Mimosa from the bar (seeing as I was 21 y/o now) and then went to get our seats. It was sooooooo fun! Chris taught me about the ball game and what the various #s meant and he even bought me garlic fries and cheese nachos all for myself! I was so bloated that I had to go to the bathroom! Anyway, I got back to the private club and cuddled with Chris the rest of the time on the leather couches. The game ended - Padres won and we took a PennyCab (or as Chelle calls them, PaddyWagons) back to the Holiday Inn.

When we got there, Mom bought all of us a round of drinks at the bar. We then got the idea that we should play team billiards. Losers had to buy everyone a round of drinks. Thanks to my pool shark skills, my team never lost - even in the one on one death match between my mother and I. We got soooo drunk!

I don't remember much what happens after this, being intoxicated and all. But Chris says we went up to the hotel room and each couple took a bed and crashed. Chris claims I was lusty and wanted to fuck him with my mom in the next bed and that I admitted to him that I loved him and that things would be okay between us despite our recent fights. I fell asleep and the next thing you know, I wake up and Jenni and Newton are showing us what they bought together at the mall.

Eventually, we get ourselves out of bed to go eat dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House. Now, for those of you who don't know, Ruth's Chris is one of the elite dining spots in San Diego, second only to Mr. A's. It was amazing how good it tasted, especially considering I had bloated myself @ the Padres game. It was the BEST filet mignon I've ever had in my life (and I've been to lots of fancy restaurants) We ended up spending a total of $400 on the meal (not including tip) for only 6 people! It was decadent. Definitely worthy of celebrating my Bday with.

After dinner, we went back to the hotel room and all 3 couples stood holding each other and watches the fireworks which were just magical. They were being sent off at 3 different locations along the SD bay. Afterwards, we watched the ending of Independence Day on TV and just layed on the bed cuddling. It was beautiful... a beautiful end to a wonderful and unforgettable 21st Birthday. I'll never forget that day... never :)

Quyen's Apology to her Blogging Community

Sorry for the hiatus from blogging, but I'm back now to finish and wrap up the stories that were never told. Hopefully, we can put some of the bad crap that's happened behind us and move on to the fun and reflective times that you have come to expect from this blog. Stay tuned for the 2nd 1/2 of my Bday, my quest to meet new people, and more news on my impending boob job! ;)

Segue to more Blogs

"Hi friend. You too can make Uncle Sam proud some day."
ahem, a-hem! Shouldn't you be in someone else's blog? Or on some commercial where a guy scales a mountain that eerily enough, through the might of the black arts, reflects back the image of several marines? And let me make this clear: I love magic. Lance Burton, David Copperfield, Zamfir the great: all great men.
"Ah.....um......crap. That's the last time I have a pure-syrup slushee's with Bart Simpson and Milhouse." <-- he shuffles away.

Some of you have been wondering: Where have all the blogs gone, which is not unlike Paula Cole's song, Where Have all the Cowboys Gone. One might also find themselves wondering: Where have Quyen's blogs gone? Where are the happy blogs? Or, where has the mountain with the old, wise man gone? I mean, when's the last time you found that old, wise man? I know I've never seen the wilely bastard in my life. For my part, he continues to elude me, and I've come to the conclusion that it must be because his mountain keeps moving all over the place. First the Alps, then the Himalayas, the Appalachians, and so on.

To be serious though, I'll start working on a blog tomorrow. As for your questions, Quyen's been a little down under the weather lately, and although she manages to get through the day, she hasn't the strength to stay up at night writing you guys. Nevertheless, she told me to tell you guys, she loves you! Well, she didn't actually tell me tell me, but it was implied. She has grown somewhat fond of her little blog community.

Finally, let's talk about the sad blogs. Do they mean that only sad things are going on in our lives? By all means: No. There has been quite a bit of good going on too; we just haven't got around to publishing it what with Quyen being ill, and I still working for a research grant/project on improving high school literacy.

So, let me address some concerns before I go on to write any more blogs on the site. Sad things get immediate attention because, as anyone in a relationship knows, they require the same kind of attention and care in real life. As a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a responsibility to yourself and the other person to organize your thoughts, think of possible solutions, calm down, reflect on your emotions, and discuss things with your partner to resolve the issue or issues. Moreover, writing, like music, allows people to effectively organize their thoughts and emotions, with the added and crucial element of reflection. So powerful and transformative can the writing process be, that most credible therapists recommend it to their patients.

If you happen to read more sad blogs in the future, keep in mind that my goal, and that of Quyen's, is not to illicit sympathy from the blogging community, or to slander each other. In my case, I'm fully aware that this is Quyen's home and blog, and that she cultivated a following far before me. For me to assume that I could garner your sympathy when your allegiance is to Quyen is foolish. And although some might question this: How often do you side with your friends even if the other person has a good story and may have valid complaints? Isn't it almost always the case that we take up the cause of our friends without questioning if they were wrong? Well, Quyen is your friend, and she's a great friend to have ;) By the way, some sympathy would be nice once in awhile from those of you who can spare it :P

The question is: why do I write, and what does one write about in blogs? Again, I write because it helps me sort out thoughts and emotions so that I can better deal with the real-life situation. What do I write about? Well, some of you have complained that it's just not fair, it's not right to talk about "sad things", nor is right to speak about whatever might be troubling in the relationship. Yep, far as some of you are concerned, it has to be all pink roses, ruby-red glasses, and a yellow brick road of happiness as far as the eye can see. Well, let me say this in return: this is a blog. People write about what they're going through in their blogs. Blogs are like journals - you know, those little paper things you put your feelings into? That's why blogs also have a time and date stamp for each entry. They are electronic journals. Who the hell ever heard of a journal you only write happy things in, or a journal in which you purposely avoid talking about your love life? No one, and if you have, let's find some help. Make sure you're not scary, and interview some high school girls. Ask them what they write about in journals: boys, relationships, the extremes of happiness and sorrow.

I apologize to all the excellent blog readers out there, but I just had to address the issue before going on. I got tired of instant messages, or email about how I'm wrong to write what I'm feeling, and should avoid saying anything negative in the future. Messages suggesting I should write blogs that only deal with things from Quyen's perspective. You know, if I could pull that off, they'd call me Quyen. Also, regardless of how much you know or love Quyen, this doesn't mean that what I'm experiencing isn't true or happening to me. Just because you don't like reading it, doesn't make it any less valid or true.

By the way, the last few sad blogs have allowed Quyen and I to get many things off our shoulders and improve the relationship. Although, it's taken several hard bumps along the way, the last few weeks have left us with a more comprehensive picture of who our partner is and the experiences that have shaped him or her. More than ever, we're equipped to succeed and take the relationship to the next level. What that level is, I don't know, but I can tell you that marriage is a serious possibility for the future. ;)

Sad Fight :/

I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm sure that's funny to some of you considering how long my blogs tend to be. But, I need to get the following off my chest. Originally, it had been my intention to finish writing about the wonderful weekend I had with Quyen this July 4th holiday season. That doesn't look to be the case now because I just can't concentrate on that. I'm stuck on the here and now of what just happened.

Quyen and I had a long conversation yesterday, and when I say long I mean long. Lunch came and went throughout the conversation, as did even dinner. We talked from around the lunchtime afternoon straight until past midnight. Well, one of the things she mentioned was wondering, the kind that people do when they're in relationships and want to know whether they're doing the right thing, the kind people do when they think about the greener pastures and how everything would be perfect with someone else. She wanted to scour my thoughts on what I thought about wondering.

So, I told her I thought wondering under specific circumstances is okay. For one, everyone does it, even married people. Why they do it, I don't know. Haven't been able to figure that out, but for some reason that's just the way it is. I figure, if it has to be that way, then at least make it positive. People who wonder should be doing their wondering towards the beginning half of a relationship, rather than towards the end like when engaged or ready to take on marriage vows. That way the person doesn't end up hurting their partner by dropping a huge bomb on them about how they never really loved them to begin with.

Also, wondering can be positive if the person wondering takes the opportunity to see the special things they have in the relationship, rather than concentrating on everything they don't like and how it could all be so perfect with someone else. Everyone should know that what they see in someone else first glance is nothing but the best they have to offer. It's easy to imagine things would be perfect when you don't realize that there's that hidden side. I think, essentially, people are drawn to take the easy way out of everything. For everything we have a quick fix, and often a fix that only makes things muddled with complication. No, real answers and solutions take time and effort, real sustained effort.

I think the majority of people use wondering as a way to justifying straying from their partner when things get hard. It's their fight or flight response. They feel uncomfortable or uneasy and fly, fly away from all their problems, foolishly believing that everything will be perfect the next time. And, of course, it never is. Sometimes, people do both: fight and flight. They fight, and when their partner doesn't understand where all the rage and unhappiness is coming from they use that as a justification for flight. Or, they fight in order to give themselves a reason to fly.

Which comes to what Quyen told me last night. She had been wondering, actively wondering until even just last week, and I suppose much more so now. Imagine that, the girlfriend I have come to love and adore was actually wondering, seriously, about what her life would be like with other men. Do I dare say how that made me feel? No....I shant. Although, it would be a blow to many guys to know that their girlfriend was actively wondering this whole time, I resolved to move past that. It simply isn't what counts. What counts is addressing her concerns. What is behind all this wondering? I've found out a substantial number of answers regarding that these past few days, and so, I feel like I can really do something about this. Like I can really make her stop wondering and make her at least try to see in me what I see in her. I do have a chance to be happy.

However, I feel hurt that it's just assumed that I would be so okay with the notion of her wondering. And, don't think I haven't known about the wondering. I've had my own set of suspicions. She has read me emails from online guys, told me about conversations she's always having in chat rooms, with guys who adore her, telling me how so many guys want her and, are actively pursuing her. To top it, she's even been flaunting in my face hanging out with a man who has tried to break us up before and who still wishes to be hers. She suggested living with him in a four room house, just her and him because it makes financial sense. Now, last night she apologized for all of this, this testing my resolve by approaching other men and telling me about it, about doing that to me for about three weeks at least. But, she also said she had planned to be obvious and had left many clues for me to find. I'm wondering, "what clues?" I never found any clues. Not any that I could tangibly see and think about.

In comes last night. After we got off the phone, I set about looking for her clues. What were these clues that she had carefully laid for me? What did they look like? How was I supposed to feel about them when and if I ever found them? So, because I had insomnia from worrying about Quyen (she became ill last night) I had ample time to look for the so-called clues. Finally, I found something. I looked through her email accounts - she had given me the passwords. I thought to myself, if she didn't intend for me to find something awful, then she wouldn't have given me the password. Or rather, anything awful I found in those accounts must have been staged because she knew I could see them if I had wanted. Besides, if there was ever the chance that there was anything she didn't want me to see, and which she wanted to hide from me, I know she's smart enough to have put that in an account that I couldn't get into. Yes, I knew, or so I thought, that whatever I found in those accounts must have, would have been a clue that had been staged for me to find.

I was not prepared for what I found. I found emails from her to men she had met on the internet. That's okay with me mind you. Everyone always has the right to go about making friends. What I was not okay with was that the emails were flagrantly flirtatious. There is no doubt in my mind that any other guy in my position would not have been hurt and angered by that. Not only were they flirtatious, but they spoke of meeting and hanging out - at bars and movies of all places, of meeting when she had just known them now for a few days. To me that looked liked a blanket invitation for the guys to think that something could come out of their "friendship" with her, even if she did have a boyfriend, or vice versa. As it is, she is already going to a chiropractor who came to work once already, on a day when the whole office was closed, just so that he could "attend" to her. A man who charged her only ten dollars. Now, why this is okay, I don't know. But as far as I can tell, and from what I've been told, she just likes the attention and it makes her feel good. So, of course I went to sleep angry. My very own girlfriend was flirting with and meeting other guys. I left a very angry instant messenger away message for the night. Alas, I couldn't even sleep well. My heart was pacing and pounding all night. I had maybe about five hours.

When I woke up, I was greeted to Quyen being angry that I could myself be angry that she was flirting with other men and meeting them without even so much as a few weeks of friendship first, or even days. For one, it's dangerous to meet people from the internet before you get to know them, but moreover, it gives the impression that she wants to establish something with them regardless of whether she's currently in a relationship. She didn't care. As far as I know right now, she still doesn't care how it made me feel. Why? Because she made the issue into something completely different. It wasn't anymore about how she had been flirting, now it was about how I thought she had been cheating on me, and that now there were serious trust issues: 1) I didn't trust her, and 2) She felt I violated her trust by going through her "shit."

I tried to explain to her that I certainly was not accusing her of cheating on me! Where did I say that? How did I say that? I even asked her at what point did that happen, and I was met with the reply that she didn't have to ask. It was implied and she got it. So...I can't argue with that. If she thinks it was implied, then she thinks it was implied. I can't do anything about that, even though I repeatedly stated that it was never my intent to say that. It was never even a consideration. The whole reason I was angry is because of the flirting. Next, I couldn't believe how she could accuse me of violating her trust when she had already given me the password and told me it was okay to go through her accounts, long long ago. I remember it explicitly because I had a problem accepting the password and wanted to be sure with her that she was absolutely okay with it. How can that be a violation of trust? What was the trust being broken? She gave me the right to look through her accounts and I used it. I hadn't before as I might've already said, but what with her telling me that she had been making a concerted effort to leave clues for me and hurt me through jealousy, I looked.

I am hurt and insulted that she is defending what she was doing just because she feels I accused her of cheating and violated her trust. Again, I didn't accuse her. If I had so much as even thought that she was cheating, things would have been very different. I wouldn't have talked about it or let on that I knew. That would be stupid. She would have changed everything she did and found new ways to hide it. I would have taken my time doing some research, testing, and seeing whether or not she really was cheating. That was most obviously not the case this morning. I stated fully what I had seen and how I felt about it, knowing full well that she might change her passwords. Yes, I talked about it because to me it really is an issue when your girlfriend flirts with others guys. And, I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that it didn't bother me. I'm at a loss as to why she thinks this all about cheating. Honestly, I would have waited around to see if that was true if I was actually suspicious. So...I'm left here wondering why she feels that way. Is it because her male friends always fall in love with her, is it because Kevin, her first ex, has been wanting her back and sometimes she wonders about what things would be like with him? She told me once, while she was crying, that she felt guilty about wondering about other guys and leaving me. I'm not sure she remembers that or wants to remember that, but I have to wonder if maybe she's angry at me because there was a point at which she was honestly thinking about breaking up with me and setting up a back-up plan. Maybe I touched a nerve and she wanted more than anything to believe that she had never thought those things.

So now I wait. I wait to see whether she will talk to me again. I wait to see whether or not she even wants to be with me anymore. It is clear to me that she is very angry with me about the past and that even though I had no idea whatsoever, at the time, what it was that was making her angry, she is determined to believe that I let her down. What is confusing about the past is that it was both our fault. I am finally at a point where I can honestly say much of it was my fault, but if she refuses to see that testing me with wierd games was not the right way to go about getting me to change or of making clear to me what was wrong so I could better take care of her, then I don't know what I can do. A small factoid is that although it's relatively simple to please this amazing woman, she wont tell you what she needs unless things have turned bad, even if you implore her, over and over to tell you what it is. The frustration of trying to figure out how to take care of her properly has been amazing. Do you think, does she honestly think I would hesitate to take the first opportunity to take care of her if only I knew what to do? In a clear way moreover, not in the form of games? I am bloodied and exhausted on the battlefield, clinging to the hope that I have fought for what is right, to know that I have journeyed so far that I may spend my life with Quyen. Like she said last night, being in a relationship, being with her is a risk I must be willing to take if I want the spoils of war: a wonderful woman by my side supporting me and making me the happiest man there is. I am here to say that I do take up that risk, that I need only to know what can be done to make sure I get to my destination. I have always been willing to do what needed doing, regardless of whether I got things right. I just have to see if she wants to see a future with us....if she hasn't been so scarred by the past, her ex's and mine to be afraid of trying because it might lead to failure. In the end, what matters is that I will always love Quyen whether she believes it or not. It was never in question, and my having known her has enriched my life, so much so that friends often ask if she has a sister they can date.

Chris' half of Quyen's B-day

As I sit here with marshmellow peep in hand, recollections of days now past arrive. A clarity and freshness captures the moment, bringing to life memories, animating them, and bestowing upon them the vibrance of the present, which is to say, they have shed the brittle trappings of nostalgia. Further, one can conclude that if the moment, the time and place holds a special enough place in our hearts, it will live on forever, unfaded, free from the drain of external complications. That one special moment exists in a place that never changes, never tarnishes; it is to us as depictions of the 1950's and the summer of love are to America.

With the introduction out of the way, let me bring this back down to Earth. This past weekend was not only the July 4th weekend, but Quyen's birthday. And, it was no small birthday indeed. It was her 21st, her coming of age as a woman in the eyes of society. The location was San Diego, one day after the trip to the Del Mar Fair. Oh, and in Quyen's sister's bed. ooooh, plot thickens, lol.

I was sleeping away after a long night of not having slept very well, and it wasn't so much that there was anything particularly wrong with my night, as much as it was being content that made sleeping an ordeal. I wont go any further than to say I was both physically and emotionally content, and so spent much of the night thinking about my lady love. To make a simile of it, it was like one of those times when you're either so stressed out, angry, or free that you can't help but think about what made you feel that way; your mind is monopolized with no regard to hunger, or sleep.

So, here I was, next to Quyen, her soft body pressed againt mine, when in comes her middle sister, Jenni, rushing straight through the door like a small child on a mix of caffeine and sugar. What a drink it must have been. That wild, excited look on her face, authentic and, for the moment, free roused my senses from a state of quasi-sleepiness in a way that only cold water tends to do. As all of this is starting to make sense, Jenni leaps onto my bed, and lands perfectly hunched over Quyen. With Quyen and I nestled under the covers, I don't know how Jenni avoided landing on any one of us, but let's just be thankful she didn't :P That would've been a painful start to a day! And just when you think it's over, Jenni starts singing some sort of happy birthday chant and tells us she's waking us up early because she knows how long it takes Quyen to get ready, and we have breakfast in a little over an hour.

Despite the consideration Jenni put into her happy birthday chant and waking us up early, Quyen and I lost track of time talking about the previous night, and holding each other. Apparently, she had a good time at the fair, even though the last ride we were on brings to mind the thought of death, screaming, and absolute fear. Seriously, I have never been the type to scream on rides, but then this ride happened, came along and changed everything. I was so sick I walked slowly to take care of my stomach, avoided eating any more of that great carnival food, and almost lost my voice from the screaming of just seconds ago. A talk about the carnival, and the "talk" we had in the Volvo later, and we were pressed for time and on course for being very late! By the way, the talk in the Volvo, for you curious types, had to do with the content of our blogs last week, and how to go about repairing the past and understading each other better - a goood thing ;)

In typical Quyen fashion, she went into scary "pressed for time" mode. Let me explain what this mode is like. Quyen becomes easily frustrated, irritated, and snappy, much like her oldest sister. Stern words are no stranger. However, she also becomes a fragile and sensitive person. Her stern behavior is nothing more than a cover for her fear, anxiety, and stress. It's the same thing we each go through during our own tough times, be it when we get up without enough sleep, are dealing with the impending doom of final exams, or are stressing out about any other such thing, like work, relationships, or money.

I've come to understand "pressed for time" mode, and I would say have developed a few coping mechanisms, among them understanding that any harsh words aren't meant to be taken seriously in a mean-spirited way. I just need to figure out how to avoid allowing "pressed for time" mode from stressing me out myself- stressing me out in trying to deal with it, and in trying to figure out how to make Quyen feel better about time and about herself. That's my next big project - finding out how to soothe Quyen during these times.

Anyhow, let's get back to the day itself. Quyen had lost part of her make-up kit and scurried frantically trying to find it. This was real fear my friend. It was her 21st birthday and she didn't want to look anything less than perfect on that day, especially when pictures would be taken and the rest of her family, she knew, would look flawless. Meanwhile, I walked around the house in undies! My clothes, formal clothes, for the day had been wrinkled to the point of shameful, and while I can take a bit of wrinkling in my clothes, moreso than the average person, this was just not going to work. If I had worn these clothes it would have been dishonorable to myself, my family, and Quyen's family. This was not how one dresses on a formal 21st birthday party gathering. My clothes were placed in the drier and I waited, being wholly unable to get ready until they were ready. So, I did what any boyfriend would do: wait around and try to figure out how to calm down my distressed girlfriend. This was not an easy task. When my clothes finally came out of the drier, Quyen was busy trying to put on an earing. One earing. I had, before she was done, put on my pants, tucked in my shirt, secured a dressy belt, found my cell phone, and wallet, and placed on my formal shoes. Quyen looked over at me and stared with disappointment and irritation, shouted for me to go faster because I was going to make her late and was just being lazy. Like I said, this is just a part of her when she's stressed, lol.

Vrooom. Quyen and I were out the house and on our way to a restaurant on the San Diego Bay. We had about ten minutes to make it, but traffic was good to us and we made it off the freeway in time. Finding the restuarant and where her family awaited us, was a different story entirely, filled with stress, confusion, and a commute through parts of San Diego Quyen was unfamiliar with. In our search for the fabled restaurant, Quyen called her eldest sister, Chelle several times for direction. What she didn't count on was Chelle giving bad directions, or being nasty. It was clear Chelle was in a bad mood from what I was able to catch while Quyen was on the phone. What was also obvious was that this wasn't making things any better on Quyen. Already she was dealing with the stress of being late, the idea that she was going to look bad on her 21st birthday, and now she had to deal with her eldest sister being unsupportive and mean-spirited. I tried, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much, to make her feel better, and...if I do say so myself, got her to laugh a few time before the whole ordeal was over. And yes, this was definitely an ordeal: being lost, bad directions, pressed for time, stressed.

Funnel Cake

One of my presents for my Bday was a pair of tickets to the Del Mar Fair in San Diego. Here, you can eat all sorts of fair food and go on fair rides. The thing with fairs is that the food they make there is like the best food of its kind that you can buy and it's also the worst food for you... all at the same time! :P The last time I went to the Fair was with my friend, Jean. That was two years ago when we got on the water log ride and got soaking wet! I remember I was wearing overalls, and because they were completely soaked, I stripped down to my bra and thong and sat in the car as I let her drive my car back to the house :P

This year, I decided to give my extra ticket to Chris and we went together the night before my Bday. The first thing I had to have was a funnel cake topped with strawberries and whipped cream! It's my favorite fair food and I hadn't had it in years! I ate it all by myself (and no, it's not cause I wasn't sharing - Chris didn't want any :P) Then, we got Chris a Charburger (not to be confused with Charmander) and after that, we hit the rides!

We got $21.50 in ride tickets and wanted to ride the best rides. It ended up being 3 rides... Whoa! That's like $3.50 per person per ride! Anyway, we found this crazy one that made us sick... so, we had to just stay on the ground for awhile. I was so disoriented. After a small break, we went on a 2nd ride that wasn't so bad... but the 3rd ride... OMG... I've never been more scared... and I've been bungee jumping! I thought that ride was gonna break away and we were going to die. I can still feel how I thought my head was going to explode from all the screaming... and I'm not talking screaming cuz ur supposed to scream on a ride... but like real screaming in terror screaming! I could feel the funnel cake at the top of my chest after I got off. Chris agrees that was one scary ride. So, I will now make it known that fair rides are way scarier than anything you can get on at Magic Mountain.

After that, Chris got me cheese fries (another of my faves - but only the melted cheese... not the American cheese slice or nacho cheese) After that, we went to look at jewelry and gemstones and some art. The evening ended with a long conversation in the back of the Volvo.

That nite is special to me because it's the first time I felt completely taken care of - from funnel cake to cheese fries to letting me pick the rides to looking at art and jewelry. I'm not saying it's how I want things to be all the time, but it was a welcome change and I welcomed Chris' efforts to provide for me help make me feel secure and important :)

Response

I'm not sure where to begin after reading what came before this entry... I guess I can only be frank... Chris' entry brought up a lot of questions of my own. And moreso, I want to give him the answers he's looking for. I just fear they may not be the answers he wants.

Firstly, I'm surprised we're together. I'm surprised we're even writing in the same blog. I can't comprehend how we've seemingly come so far with so much left unsaid. And now, one year later, it's like it happened 3 days ago. It's so raw and fresh, like warm blood dripping from a dying animal. A bad flashback... and I remember it all from my perspective too.

Jack was my rebound. I used him to make Jay jealous... to show Jay that I wasn't broken because of him... because the past year I had laid around, broken. What Jay did to me stripped me of my beauty, self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect. I knew if I could seduce Jack, I'd have it back... I'd know that my beauty and strength was in the eye of the beholder and it was Jay's fault, not mine, for not being able to see it. I'd been planning for it to be this way ever since I started to thirst for revenge.

This betrayal was set in place long before Chris ever became a character and when he added his role into my dark plan, I had to push him out, like a mother throwing her baby out of a burning building to be saved by firefighters below while she stayed inside, engulfed by the flames. Jack was my tool, not Chris. I never wanted Chris to get involved in my petty war with my ex. I respected and adored Chris, but I had other things to take care of first. I'm just sorry he got caught in my terrible game.

In all honesty, if I hadn't done what I needed to do, I don't think I could have left Jay. I was weak and I depended on him to feed my self-defeat. It was a cycle - I needed him to treat me badly and he did. Jay didn't need me or care about me and so I found someone who did - sexually. Because determining if someone needs you sexually is much more black and white than determining if someone needs you emotionally. I don't think about Jack anymore. He was there for a simple reason and he fulfilled his purpose. In fact, I kicked him out once I felt he had done his job sufficiently. Chris may be mad about that - the fact that I "chose" Jack over him. That somehow, if I choose one before the other, it automatically makes it more important. It's like chess. Sometimes, you have to dispose of the queen before you can go after the king. But you see, Chris wasn't merely a thing to me. To use him to serve my purposes would have meant that he too would have become a vision of the past. I knew that wasn't a gamble I was willing to take. Even if Chris and I had tried to have a fulfilling relationship like he had always wanted, I would have brought all the hurt and pain and anger from my past into his life and I didn't want him to have to endure that. Jack was that buffer. He was the best buffer I could have asked for.

Now you can see me for the malicious person I have the capacity to be. If I had done it over again, I still wouldn't have made Chris go through what I knew he would have had to endure being with me - even if I did want him. I was not a good person. My intentions were not pure. And I knew I did not want him to see that side of me. I wanted him to see the side of me he sees now. The side that wants nothing more than to take care of him and tend to the wounds of the past.

Total 'Train'wreck of Thought

I too have to begin this entry with a little story. I expect that several of you readers have been asking yourselves why I haven't been writing lately, especially given the depth of Quyen's recent entries. Let me assure you, there are many reasons. When Quyen came over to take care of me last week, I was sick, and not just pretend sick or somewhat sick; I was sick all around. My temperature would bounce up and down like some sort of twisted yo-yo. On top of that, I continued to go to work, which, as many of you have read, has been a highly charged stressful environment. By the time I got home, there ws really nothing left for me to give. But, I'm all better now, or at least I can tell myself that and believe it a reasonable amount of the time =P I haven't been writing because of what was said over the weekend, and what was exposed.

It all started Friday morning when Quyen decided to look through the folder I set aside for her on my computer. It has scanned pictures, webcam pics, papers, outlines of her work on becoming a better viola tutor, and old yahoo and instant messenger conversations I used to save. One of those old conversations even tops out at sixty-seven pages! Well, you guess which one Quyen just had to finish reading. And, it's not that I saved it because it contains bad memories or because I thought it would be useful against her if ever I needed to get back at her for something. No, I saved that specific set of conversations because it contained so much of the good that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was her and I at our best.

Let me tell you the story of how Quyen and I met. When I first met Quyen, May of 2003, she was involved with another man, Jay - an ex-navy man, in his thirties I suppose. Not only was she involved with this man, she was set to marry him in little less than a few weeks. From hearing about it, you'd have thought she was living the dream. Yes, wouldn't we all like to think the dream is coming true? But it wasn't. Below the surface, problems persisted from the moment Quyen moved in with him. Jay was against her working, having academic aspirations, did not believe in her (to succeed and more), persistently insulted her family, and did some things that took Quyen's self-confidence and worth away. I've often wondered myself if he loved her, or just loved the idea of being in a relationship. I'd like to say he loved her if only to pretend to myself that Quyen was being treated how a woman of her caliber deserves, but he's now married to another woman he immediately ran to after being left by Quyen.

The groundwork behind my relationship with Quyen is the internet. I found her picture online, during one of my many bored or stressed out moments, and clicked on her. "Yes, I would be interested." She clicked back, and I wrote her an email. lol, she's still unsure whether I wrote her a stock email, but I swear to you it was different, which is not to say I didn't have a stock email prepared and ready to send out to most people- just that I felt like writing something different that day - for what reason, I don't know. When I heard back from her, I almost didn't even didn't respond because I thought she might be a religious, social, political conservative. Now tar me and call me a crow, but having received my education from UC Berkeley, unilateral conservatism wasn't my idea of attractive friend material. However, again, I just felt like responding, and so started a messenger (yahoo and aim) based friendship.

We spent the better part of the next few months building a friendship. Every day, we'd get together on yahoo. She'd be my escape from the stressful reality of trying to finish my teacher credentialing program in a year and a half (while fighting the financial aid offices, and the new retroactive mandates being passed on down by the state), and I'd be her escape from an unhappy relationship, I'd be that safe place where she could feel free to be herself without biting criticism. These were happy times for me, and I pasted my messenger conversations into microsoft word so that I could keep them to look over in the future. Of course, I was falling head over heels for this woman, but I wouldn't, and more importantly, couldn't admit this, to myself, or to her. She was engaged to be married. All I could hope for was the chance to maintain and strengthen my friendship with her. At the same time, she had been confessing to me a fierce crush on someone close to her, and I all the more knew there would never be the kind of place I was dreaming of, for me, in her life. It was a crush I heard about on a daily basis, ironically a crush which crushed me with each elaboration and telling of it.

With the end of June coming on, Quyen and I had begun to make a few short calls to each other, and this too, seemed to oddly work out well. Odd I say because the transition from the net to phone to in person tends to be very hard, and almost always leads to disappointment. Unfortunately, Quyen was planning to leave Jay, and this meant she was preparing to move into a new apartment, where she would be without internet access for some time, access that was central to my friendship with her. The threat of losing her gave a sense of urgency to things and made me realize how much she meant to me. However, I was still not audacious enough to approach her with my feelings. This would be solved by a bad day and too much stress, resulting in a date between I and my good friend: bottle of vodka.

The saved instant messenger conversations Quyen looked through last week included the late night conversation where I finally told her how I felt and had been feeling for so long. It was an honest conversation on my part; I had been drinking, for perhaps the first time in years, because everyone, including some doctor buddies, suggested that I needed to take the edge off and relax. The stress I was going through at the time was grinding me down, and I found myself busy nearly every day, not knowing if I would get my license before California instituted some new requirements, or if I would have a job for the coming year. In that conversation, I thought I had finally discovered that it was okay for me to feel the way I did about Quyen. She had been with someone else when I first met her, and I did my best to hide and to diminish my feelings for her. But, she had decided to leave her then boyfriend of several years, who cheated on her with six people, and still continues to stay in touch with other women. With her boyfriend out of the picture I thought there may have been a chance, but even then, I didn't want to be the guy that preys on vulnerable newly single girls. I wanted to be the guy that she chose to be with because she wanted me, because with a clear frame of mind, she thought I was best for her out of everyone else out there who had been trying to court her. None of this mattered that night as I slipped and let her know how I felt. Even though I felt like a fool for having let it slip. She returned my feelings, and let me know, or so I thought, how much I meant to her. She told me how special I was to her, and that it wasn't just me, she really had been flirting with me this whole time. She told me how excited and free she felt to finally be able to express her feelings for me. The odd thing about that conversation is that it started just as I was getting ready to go to sleep. I had been mulling for more than a few minutes already about going to sleep, but there she was. As soon as I had made my mind to head off for the night, she came online, and we talked for hours.

I spent the next day freaking out, worried that maybe she would take back what she had said, that maybe she would realize that it was all a mistake, or worried that she was only trying to be nice to me because I had started off slightly drunk and I was her good friend. And I waited, and I waited, and I waited some more. Usually, I would hear from her online several times a day, but it I wouldn't hear from her today, and I wouldn't hear from her the next day.

When I finally did hear from her, we didn't talk about us, we didn't talk about our last conversation, or my feelings for her. It was as if, she was so ashamed of having told me she had feelings for me, or of having me develop any feelings for her that she would rather avoid it altogether. And yet, yet she was brighter and sweeter than ever before. She flirted without restraint, and she called me her love, her sweetie. But none of this could make up for the truth. The truth wa she was just toying with my emotions and that really I was just the nice-guy patsy who had set her free so that she could run off with another bad-match. One of the first things she told me was that she had met a new guy. Her excitement, even over the computer, was obvious, and she went into great detail explaining how wonderful this new man of hers, Jack, was. The next day, she laid yet another blow with a single line of text. She told me she had had a wonderful time the night before with Jack, and her best friend at the time, Dan at her party. This was a party she had spent two months trying to get me to attend, and now when I had finally agreed to come over, she completely "forgot" to inform me of when it was happening, and didn't feel one bit bad about it. Instead of feeling at least somewhat bad about not inviting me, she went on to tell me how fun the night had been and made it clear that not inviting me was not an oversight but a calculated decision. The point was made. This new man she had just met over the weekend was already more important to her than I. This man she met just one day after pretending she had any feelings for me, this man was her choice, and I could never be anything to her. I meant so little that I could be replaced by a random man in less than twenty-four hours.

After this, contact between her and I started to die off quickly. It was not the kind of thing I looked forward to, and I resigned myself to never being anything more than a chump to her. I was nothing more than the guy that had to be there for her to have enough strength to leave her unhappy relationship. I was a sacrifice, a martyr for her greater happiness. The next time I heard from her was on the phone. She called me up, and I knew I shouldn't have been excited but I was; I was stupidly excited because I thought that maybe somewhere I still meant something to her. No such luck. She wa calling me because she wanted me to know what a long night of sex she had just had with Jack. She wanted to bask in the glory of his sex, and describe to me in meticulous detail how much she enjoyed his body and the night. She wanted me to know that even her ex-boyfriend knew she was going out that night to get laid. She was proud of it, of hurting him back. She was proud that she could rebound so quickly and find such a prize example of a man. And she wanted to share that with me. I listened, like a captive audience, looking forward to the time she could get off the phone so I could go call up a friend and tell him or her how I felt. To share my pain with them. It wasn't enough that I never meant anything to her, that she didn't want to discuss our conversation, that she found a new man the day after I admitted my feelings, that they had done things, that she invited him to her party and expressly left me out of the invitations, but it was too much to hear how content she was having sex with this new man all night and day. If there had ever been a time I felt special with her, it was gone, and I was left with nothing save the mirages of my imagination, which had once made me feel that there was something between us. That night, I lost all faith in myself. I could no longer count on myself to know when someone was telling the truth or lying, I could no longer depend on myself to read someone's emotions, and despite my good looks, I could no longer believe that my personality and the essence of who I was attracted others.

I know this whole blog feels like patchwork without strong sentence or paragraphs structure, but I needed just to get it out. I haven't been writing in this blog because I've spent the past few days dealing with the past, and wondering what place I do have in Quyen's life. I had to ask myself if she's just lying to herself about how she feels about me, just as she did about the 1st boyfriend I mentioned here. I have to wonder if maybe she's just settling because she doesn't think she can find better. Did she settle on me because things with Jack just never worked out? Did she need someone and I seemed the obvious and convenient choice? Why did she choose me? She rejected me once, meaning whatever I had to offer just wasn't good enough for her. Was I just meant to be with her until she could get back on her feet, and she stays with me because she would feel guilty about leaving me twice? And with what I've been hearing this week on the phone and with the reading, I had to ask myself what it means for her to love me. She says she once loved Allen and Kevin, and yet things fell apart for whatever reason. Does that mean things could fall apart with us too, that what we have maybe is not so special and she's been through it several times with other guys? What does it mean that the night she went off to see Allen at the hospital, she didn't care enough to call me to let me know where she was, and that she was okay, or just to say goodnight? How is it she can say she cried selfishly that night, and yet I was really nowhere in her mind? How is it she can tell me she misses me so badly this week, yet she didn't miss me then. And, I refuse to take the excuse that it's because she was mourning. I've seen many people in my life die and I still have the frame of mind to call others to let them know what's going on. It's important to me that she would have called because we call each other every night, at around the same time, if just to say hello and goodnight. It's become our tradition, and now when I'm knee deep in remembering the past and what I mean to her, this tradition just falls out from under me. It just seemed to me that maybe I wasn't as important to her as I wanted to be, or as much as she had led me to believe.

And then there was last night. I was truly happy for Quyen because she finally achieved some sense of closure, closure that will immediately help make our relationship stronger. The closure she had longed for had hurt her for as long as I remember, and many of the obstacles in our relationship stem directly from Kevin. I can't say there haven't been times when I wish he never existed, if only to free Quyen of so much pain. But, then I get on the phone with her last night, and I listen to her, and it turns out that because Kevin is now a good person, that she can see herself loving the man he is, that she can see a future with him in an alternate reality, that he's her Mr. Right given a different reality and meeting him at different points in their lives. It turns out that just because he's now in a position to fall in love with her for the first time and to act like a real man, he's now the Mr. Right she's always longed for, and now she "knows" he was a good choice from the start. It leaves me feeling useless, the whole thing. First Allen, and then more insultingly, there's Kevin. I just felt like this whole week I was taking a back seat to her ex's, and it hurts me to know that in alternate realities she would have chosen to be with these men, that she feels comfortable forgiving them of everything and identifying them as possible Mr. Rights. If she can so easily envision idyllic scenarios and futures with either of these men as her Mr. Right, then where do I fit in? Why am I here? Why is she with me? Is there a purpose? I want to be more than just a random cog in the wheel of happiness. If I'm interchangeable with her ex's as a Mr. Right, then am I really a Mr. Right, does she really love me, or does she love being in a relationship. I want to be more than just some random piece that can be inserted and replaced at any time. So you can see how this all brings me back to the beginning. In the beginning there was Jay, the boyfriend she left when I first met her, and then there was Jack, the man she decided to hook up with instead of me, and then Allen who she never gave me a good reason for leaving, and then Kevin, who cheated on her. Where do I fit in? Why is it I can always be replaced? I was replaced by Jack, and now I'm seemingly just one possible Mr. Right.