Response

I'm not sure where to begin after reading what came before this entry... I guess I can only be frank... Chris' entry brought up a lot of questions of my own. And moreso, I want to give him the answers he's looking for. I just fear they may not be the answers he wants.

Firstly, I'm surprised we're together. I'm surprised we're even writing in the same blog. I can't comprehend how we've seemingly come so far with so much left unsaid. And now, one year later, it's like it happened 3 days ago. It's so raw and fresh, like warm blood dripping from a dying animal. A bad flashback... and I remember it all from my perspective too.

Jack was my rebound. I used him to make Jay jealous... to show Jay that I wasn't broken because of him... because the past year I had laid around, broken. What Jay did to me stripped me of my beauty, self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect. I knew if I could seduce Jack, I'd have it back... I'd know that my beauty and strength was in the eye of the beholder and it was Jay's fault, not mine, for not being able to see it. I'd been planning for it to be this way ever since I started to thirst for revenge.

This betrayal was set in place long before Chris ever became a character and when he added his role into my dark plan, I had to push him out, like a mother throwing her baby out of a burning building to be saved by firefighters below while she stayed inside, engulfed by the flames. Jack was my tool, not Chris. I never wanted Chris to get involved in my petty war with my ex. I respected and adored Chris, but I had other things to take care of first. I'm just sorry he got caught in my terrible game.

In all honesty, if I hadn't done what I needed to do, I don't think I could have left Jay. I was weak and I depended on him to feed my self-defeat. It was a cycle - I needed him to treat me badly and he did. Jay didn't need me or care about me and so I found someone who did - sexually. Because determining if someone needs you sexually is much more black and white than determining if someone needs you emotionally. I don't think about Jack anymore. He was there for a simple reason and he fulfilled his purpose. In fact, I kicked him out once I felt he had done his job sufficiently. Chris may be mad about that - the fact that I "chose" Jack over him. That somehow, if I choose one before the other, it automatically makes it more important. It's like chess. Sometimes, you have to dispose of the queen before you can go after the king. But you see, Chris wasn't merely a thing to me. To use him to serve my purposes would have meant that he too would have become a vision of the past. I knew that wasn't a gamble I was willing to take. Even if Chris and I had tried to have a fulfilling relationship like he had always wanted, I would have brought all the hurt and pain and anger from my past into his life and I didn't want him to have to endure that. Jack was that buffer. He was the best buffer I could have asked for.

Now you can see me for the malicious person I have the capacity to be. If I had done it over again, I still wouldn't have made Chris go through what I knew he would have had to endure being with me - even if I did want him. I was not a good person. My intentions were not pure. And I knew I did not want him to see that side of me. I wanted him to see the side of me he sees now. The side that wants nothing more than to take care of him and tend to the wounds of the past.