Sad Fight :/

I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm sure that's funny to some of you considering how long my blogs tend to be. But, I need to get the following off my chest. Originally, it had been my intention to finish writing about the wonderful weekend I had with Quyen this July 4th holiday season. That doesn't look to be the case now because I just can't concentrate on that. I'm stuck on the here and now of what just happened.

Quyen and I had a long conversation yesterday, and when I say long I mean long. Lunch came and went throughout the conversation, as did even dinner. We talked from around the lunchtime afternoon straight until past midnight. Well, one of the things she mentioned was wondering, the kind that people do when they're in relationships and want to know whether they're doing the right thing, the kind people do when they think about the greener pastures and how everything would be perfect with someone else. She wanted to scour my thoughts on what I thought about wondering.

So, I told her I thought wondering under specific circumstances is okay. For one, everyone does it, even married people. Why they do it, I don't know. Haven't been able to figure that out, but for some reason that's just the way it is. I figure, if it has to be that way, then at least make it positive. People who wonder should be doing their wondering towards the beginning half of a relationship, rather than towards the end like when engaged or ready to take on marriage vows. That way the person doesn't end up hurting their partner by dropping a huge bomb on them about how they never really loved them to begin with.

Also, wondering can be positive if the person wondering takes the opportunity to see the special things they have in the relationship, rather than concentrating on everything they don't like and how it could all be so perfect with someone else. Everyone should know that what they see in someone else first glance is nothing but the best they have to offer. It's easy to imagine things would be perfect when you don't realize that there's that hidden side. I think, essentially, people are drawn to take the easy way out of everything. For everything we have a quick fix, and often a fix that only makes things muddled with complication. No, real answers and solutions take time and effort, real sustained effort.

I think the majority of people use wondering as a way to justifying straying from their partner when things get hard. It's their fight or flight response. They feel uncomfortable or uneasy and fly, fly away from all their problems, foolishly believing that everything will be perfect the next time. And, of course, it never is. Sometimes, people do both: fight and flight. They fight, and when their partner doesn't understand where all the rage and unhappiness is coming from they use that as a justification for flight. Or, they fight in order to give themselves a reason to fly.

Which comes to what Quyen told me last night. She had been wondering, actively wondering until even just last week, and I suppose much more so now. Imagine that, the girlfriend I have come to love and adore was actually wondering, seriously, about what her life would be like with other men. Do I dare say how that made me feel? No....I shant. Although, it would be a blow to many guys to know that their girlfriend was actively wondering this whole time, I resolved to move past that. It simply isn't what counts. What counts is addressing her concerns. What is behind all this wondering? I've found out a substantial number of answers regarding that these past few days, and so, I feel like I can really do something about this. Like I can really make her stop wondering and make her at least try to see in me what I see in her. I do have a chance to be happy.

However, I feel hurt that it's just assumed that I would be so okay with the notion of her wondering. And, don't think I haven't known about the wondering. I've had my own set of suspicions. She has read me emails from online guys, told me about conversations she's always having in chat rooms, with guys who adore her, telling me how so many guys want her and, are actively pursuing her. To top it, she's even been flaunting in my face hanging out with a man who has tried to break us up before and who still wishes to be hers. She suggested living with him in a four room house, just her and him because it makes financial sense. Now, last night she apologized for all of this, this testing my resolve by approaching other men and telling me about it, about doing that to me for about three weeks at least. But, she also said she had planned to be obvious and had left many clues for me to find. I'm wondering, "what clues?" I never found any clues. Not any that I could tangibly see and think about.

In comes last night. After we got off the phone, I set about looking for her clues. What were these clues that she had carefully laid for me? What did they look like? How was I supposed to feel about them when and if I ever found them? So, because I had insomnia from worrying about Quyen (she became ill last night) I had ample time to look for the so-called clues. Finally, I found something. I looked through her email accounts - she had given me the passwords. I thought to myself, if she didn't intend for me to find something awful, then she wouldn't have given me the password. Or rather, anything awful I found in those accounts must have been staged because she knew I could see them if I had wanted. Besides, if there was ever the chance that there was anything she didn't want me to see, and which she wanted to hide from me, I know she's smart enough to have put that in an account that I couldn't get into. Yes, I knew, or so I thought, that whatever I found in those accounts must have, would have been a clue that had been staged for me to find.

I was not prepared for what I found. I found emails from her to men she had met on the internet. That's okay with me mind you. Everyone always has the right to go about making friends. What I was not okay with was that the emails were flagrantly flirtatious. There is no doubt in my mind that any other guy in my position would not have been hurt and angered by that. Not only were they flirtatious, but they spoke of meeting and hanging out - at bars and movies of all places, of meeting when she had just known them now for a few days. To me that looked liked a blanket invitation for the guys to think that something could come out of their "friendship" with her, even if she did have a boyfriend, or vice versa. As it is, she is already going to a chiropractor who came to work once already, on a day when the whole office was closed, just so that he could "attend" to her. A man who charged her only ten dollars. Now, why this is okay, I don't know. But as far as I can tell, and from what I've been told, she just likes the attention and it makes her feel good. So, of course I went to sleep angry. My very own girlfriend was flirting with and meeting other guys. I left a very angry instant messenger away message for the night. Alas, I couldn't even sleep well. My heart was pacing and pounding all night. I had maybe about five hours.

When I woke up, I was greeted to Quyen being angry that I could myself be angry that she was flirting with other men and meeting them without even so much as a few weeks of friendship first, or even days. For one, it's dangerous to meet people from the internet before you get to know them, but moreover, it gives the impression that she wants to establish something with them regardless of whether she's currently in a relationship. She didn't care. As far as I know right now, she still doesn't care how it made me feel. Why? Because she made the issue into something completely different. It wasn't anymore about how she had been flirting, now it was about how I thought she had been cheating on me, and that now there were serious trust issues: 1) I didn't trust her, and 2) She felt I violated her trust by going through her "shit."

I tried to explain to her that I certainly was not accusing her of cheating on me! Where did I say that? How did I say that? I even asked her at what point did that happen, and I was met with the reply that she didn't have to ask. It was implied and she got it. So...I can't argue with that. If she thinks it was implied, then she thinks it was implied. I can't do anything about that, even though I repeatedly stated that it was never my intent to say that. It was never even a consideration. The whole reason I was angry is because of the flirting. Next, I couldn't believe how she could accuse me of violating her trust when she had already given me the password and told me it was okay to go through her accounts, long long ago. I remember it explicitly because I had a problem accepting the password and wanted to be sure with her that she was absolutely okay with it. How can that be a violation of trust? What was the trust being broken? She gave me the right to look through her accounts and I used it. I hadn't before as I might've already said, but what with her telling me that she had been making a concerted effort to leave clues for me and hurt me through jealousy, I looked.

I am hurt and insulted that she is defending what she was doing just because she feels I accused her of cheating and violated her trust. Again, I didn't accuse her. If I had so much as even thought that she was cheating, things would have been very different. I wouldn't have talked about it or let on that I knew. That would be stupid. She would have changed everything she did and found new ways to hide it. I would have taken my time doing some research, testing, and seeing whether or not she really was cheating. That was most obviously not the case this morning. I stated fully what I had seen and how I felt about it, knowing full well that she might change her passwords. Yes, I talked about it because to me it really is an issue when your girlfriend flirts with others guys. And, I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that it didn't bother me. I'm at a loss as to why she thinks this all about cheating. Honestly, I would have waited around to see if that was true if I was actually suspicious. So...I'm left here wondering why she feels that way. Is it because her male friends always fall in love with her, is it because Kevin, her first ex, has been wanting her back and sometimes she wonders about what things would be like with him? She told me once, while she was crying, that she felt guilty about wondering about other guys and leaving me. I'm not sure she remembers that or wants to remember that, but I have to wonder if maybe she's angry at me because there was a point at which she was honestly thinking about breaking up with me and setting up a back-up plan. Maybe I touched a nerve and she wanted more than anything to believe that she had never thought those things.

So now I wait. I wait to see whether she will talk to me again. I wait to see whether or not she even wants to be with me anymore. It is clear to me that she is very angry with me about the past and that even though I had no idea whatsoever, at the time, what it was that was making her angry, she is determined to believe that I let her down. What is confusing about the past is that it was both our fault. I am finally at a point where I can honestly say much of it was my fault, but if she refuses to see that testing me with wierd games was not the right way to go about getting me to change or of making clear to me what was wrong so I could better take care of her, then I don't know what I can do. A small factoid is that although it's relatively simple to please this amazing woman, she wont tell you what she needs unless things have turned bad, even if you implore her, over and over to tell you what it is. The frustration of trying to figure out how to take care of her properly has been amazing. Do you think, does she honestly think I would hesitate to take the first opportunity to take care of her if only I knew what to do? In a clear way moreover, not in the form of games? I am bloodied and exhausted on the battlefield, clinging to the hope that I have fought for what is right, to know that I have journeyed so far that I may spend my life with Quyen. Like she said last night, being in a relationship, being with her is a risk I must be willing to take if I want the spoils of war: a wonderful woman by my side supporting me and making me the happiest man there is. I am here to say that I do take up that risk, that I need only to know what can be done to make sure I get to my destination. I have always been willing to do what needed doing, regardless of whether I got things right. I just have to see if she wants to see a future with us....if she hasn't been so scarred by the past, her ex's and mine to be afraid of trying because it might lead to failure. In the end, what matters is that I will always love Quyen whether she believes it or not. It was never in question, and my having known her has enriched my life, so much so that friends often ask if she has a sister they can date.