Growing Up

This post is going to be long but possibly enlightening to some of you - just a warning to you all.

When I was little, I was a "latch-key kid" (meaning my parents worked all day, and I had to stay home alone until 8pm when they'd return home). I wasn't given a lot of affection in terms of quality time and TLC, but the way my parents did show me love was through their wallets. Anything I wanted, I could have (as long as I got straight A's in school). Most children gain their first concept of love through the love of their parents, and to me, love consisted of gifts and going out to fancy restaurants.

The fact that money equals love and affection stuck with me through my childhood and into my late teens. Cliche romantic gestures like flowers and candy on a first date seemed natural to me, as did 5 star restaurants and the receiving of little gifts. I wasn't in a bubble; it's what I saw at home, on television and movies, with my sisters and their b/fs, and out in the rest of the world. I never thought of it like this back then, but I was very materialistic when it came to how I saw love.

I first met Chris about a year and 9 months ago (when I was 19 y/o), and we started dating awhile after that. We used to go dutch all the time - even on our first date. For me, that was a big thing - I was so used to having the guy pay for everything. For me, paying for dinner was a sign that you were interested or had affections for me. We did the same with movie tickets and we each paid for our own gas.

I was sooooooo not used to this. For a long time, I wondered if he even cared for me, or if he was just using me to have sex with. I was often upset at the fact that I felt forced to pay for myself and that I didn't receive the customary gifts (like flowers) or had to pay for my own gas when we would go driving around in my car. I was so blinded by all of this that I failed to see the other things he did to show he cared for me.

When I look back at it, I must have missed so much that he did to show me he cared. It's like missing all the scenery when you're in a rush to get somewhere. In a very real sense, "I didn't know what I was missing" because I didn't even care if it was going on. I was looking for something specific, and when you're scouting for something far away, you very rarely see what's right in front of you.

Slowly, things began to change between us. I started to get the little gifts and the flowers (the first rose he gave me is pressed into a frame and hangs on the wall opposite my bed) and being taken out to fancy restaurants - but only because I expressed unhappiness and Chris wanted to do all he could to make me happy. But even though things changed, I still didn't "get it". I didn't understand what love really was. Was it material goods? Was it sacrificing his happiness and values to make me happy? What was love based on? I didn't have any answers.

Single people often tell you that they're looking for someone they are "compatible" with or someone who shares "similar interests", as these are the things that a good relationship is based off of. I used to think so too, until Chris and I broke up. As people, we shared many interests and were very compatible. Yet, those things didn't seem to cut it. There was something else, something else that was behind the very essence of good relationships. And it was missing. I didn't realize until after we had broken up that what had been missing was my shortcoming, not his.

Respect. We've all had it. We all want it. And when we don't have it, things become very unbearable. It took me 21 years and 6 months to understand that love comes out of respect - respect for yourself and respect and appreciation for the person you're with. Some people will tell you that trust is the basis of love, but really, trust is an offshoot of respect. If I don't respect you, why would I trust you? If I don't think your choices or values are sound, then why should I trust anything you do?

Ever since I realized this, I started to see Chris for who he really was, not how I wanted to see him. He's always been there for me - to listen and to dispense advice. He's a fountain of knowledge and wit and he shares that by being a teacher. He's always looking out for me, even when I don't want him to. And most importantly, he's fair. He doesn't fight dirty like I'm apt to do, and he's always willing to work things out. Those are all things I respect and appreciate about him.

And through the things I like about him, I've also come to respect and appreciate our differences. When you truly respect a person, you respect and appreciate all of that person, not just on weekends or when you agree with them. I realized that his values and the way he does things may be different than how I do things, but it doesn't mean he's wrong for thinking the way he does. It just means he's different and it's my job to either respect or disrespect those differences.

Yes, it may have taken me awhile to grow up and realize things that others have probably realized when they were 10 y/o, but I'm much happier now that I've realized what's important and, sometimes more importantly, what's not important.

Chris, if you're reading this, I love, respect and appreciate all of you :)